What I Learned, Etc.

One observation, revisiting my last post: I mentioned the sounds coming from the room after we’d left – the screams of supposed pleasure. Honestly, I think most of that was half “faked” – that is voluntary, rather than involuntary. Several of the screamers (in conversations downstairs) took great pleasure in boasting about the amount of noise they make when serving as the subjects of “demonstrations.” There’s a difference between involuntary sounds that erupt in the midst of a moment, and just making noise because you think it’ll make everyone else in the other play areas jealous. I think this was the latter.

Now... What I learned (and etc.) this weekend:

Imagining scenarios in my head, I was pretty sure a group thing wasn’t going to be the biggest turn on for me, but I figured that, in such a moment, I’d wind up getting turned on – how could I help it? There’d be naked bodies and couples playing like live porn. OF COURSE I’d end up getting turned on! But it turns out I’m even less interested than I would have guessed – in reality, I was unaroused, and mildly bored. However, I do admit to this caveat: it might have been the circumstances (which I described), and it’s very possible that in more erotic circumstances I could be easily convinced to join the gathering, so I’m definitely open to another (more appealing) opportunity, if I came upon it.

I was surprised to find I had no anxiety or anticipation. I expected nervousness, or worry, or even just butterflies in my stomach, but I didn’t experience any of these things.

I don’t feel jealous, and don’t view myself as a jealous person, but I was still expecting to experience some twinges of jealousy or possessiveness (or SOMETHING)… but I didn’t – not at ALL… except in one specific case (which I’ll get to in a moment).

Odd as it may sound, I discovered what my biggest issues are (but not how to get over them):

I’ve mentioned in earlier posts that I felt uncomfortable with the idea of even checking out our waitress while we’re dining out. At the club, I felt the same way – I was quite uncomfortable with the idea I could check out the women there – some of whom were wearing nothing at all, even downstairs! By contrast, anytime I was approached, I was perfectly comfortable with anything that happened – I felt perfectly at ease kissing other women, being felt up by them, running my hands over their bodies as they sat on my lap – with Dee sitting right next to me. And so it is I understand myself a little better: even with Dee’s encouragement, my discomfort is with taking the initial action – whether it be starting a conversation, flirting… or simply checking out the hot, naked body put on display by the girl sitting next to me. Knowing I have Dee’s permission (and even encouragement), I am comfortable interacting with another woman… but I need to be approached.

Finally, the jealousy thing I mentioned above: Dee has, on several occasions, teased me (in a not-so-teasing way, if you know what I mean) that I might be jealous about her toys, or feel like I’m competition with them, and I’ve denied (honestly) that this is the case. However, this weekend I discovered – or more accurately was able to put my finger on – the vibe which I might be giving off, and which she’s likely responding to. In this very specific way, I think I AM a little jealous, or possessive, or whatever you’d define it as: I wasn’t jealous at all – not when seeing Dee get kissed by other guys in her own “birthday line,” or (even more significantly) while Dee was serving as the subject of the demonstration, and John was intimately interacting with her pussy as she lay naked, legs spread, for his attentions. HOWEVER, for some reason (I can’t fully explain it), I felt like, if she is going to be playing with toys, then her husband should be the one wielding them (not another guy… and this is gender specific, I don’t think I’d feel the same way if it had been Jane holding the Hitachi). This is the one thing I did react strongly to… the one thing where I thought “hey… that’s MY job!” So I think I might be jealously possessive of this particular thing – I’ve already expressed my strong male-centric bias towards being the only guy in Dee’s life, but even if I make an exception to that… if you’re a guy and I’ve agreed to it, you’re going to have to get Dee off the old fashioned way – no accessories to give yourself a leg up on being impressive.