TMI

1. Have you ever had angry sex?

Honestly, I don’t remember, but I don’t think so. I think of ‘angry sex’ as having sex while royally pissed off (usually at the other person) and venting that anger on him/her in a way that alters your sexual behavior in the direction of the rougher and more venomous. Taking that definition into consideration, I think there may have been a time or two when I was mildly miffed, but I can’t recall ever being pissed off to the point where it actually altered my sexual character. I imagine it could be fun, but for me to get pissed off enough to change my sexual character, and actually have sex while in that state… I just don’t see that happening. First, I don’t think that could happen with Dee (and if it did, I don’t think it would be a good thing for our relationship, because, in all honesty, I would have to be REALLY pissed), and, secondly, I don’t imagine such a thing would happen with anyone else, either.

2. Pity sex?

No. At least not that I know of. Of course, that doesn’t eliminate the possibility that I was on the receiving end, and just wasn’t aware of it. I imagine that is entirely possible.

3. "Oh well, I might as well" sex?

Yes. Once. See the bonus question below.

4. One-of-you-knew-it-was-goodbye-and-the-other-didn't sex?

Not that I know of, but I have been sent packing shortly afterwards on several occasions (more often than not after the first encounter), so it might have been goodbye sex, or pity sex, or oh-my-God-this-is-boring-I’ve-got-to-dump-him sex.

5. Don't-remember-having-it sex?

No. Though I suppose there’s the argument that my answer would still be "no" if I had, since I wouldn’t remember it. But seriously, no. I’ve passed out a couple of times in my life, but I’ve always woken up with my pants on.

6. Regret-it-afterward sex?

Yes. See the bonus question below.

7. Can't-remember-his/her-name sex?

No. I’ve had too few partners not to remember them all.

8. Never-knew-his/her-name sex?

No. I don’t move in that fast. I’m more likely to know her grandmother’s maiden name before than I am to not know her name after.

Bonus: What was the worst single sexual experience of your life?

I slept with my boss once – a friend I really felt no actual attraction to. A group from work went over to her place just ot socialize, and I had a good bit to drink, so she offered to let me sleep on the couch. The others left, and when I was the only one left, she made a move on me. For the first and only time I can remember, I actually thought “why not?... what the hell?” Between the fatigue, the alcohol, and the fact that she was, in truth, a completely uninteresting partner, I nearly fell asleep in the middle of things. In the end, I actually faked an orgasm (the only time I’ve done so), and I got up and left as soon as I could. We hardly spoke again after that.

Men, and me.

I have no idea why I don’t fit the stereotype.

The other day I was talking to a friend on the phone… he was in his car heading home after a business dinner, blasting down the road at breakneck speed because (for a variety of understandable reasons) he and his wife hadn’t done it in almost three weeks, and (for other understandable reasons) probably wouldn’t get the chance to do it again for another week or two. He jokingly told me that, after three weeks, he was starting to think about having an affair, then confided: She actually told me tonight was the night. She’s never said that before. Usually I have to convince her.

I thought: Jeez, Dee thinks every night is the night. I’m the one that needs convincing.

In movies and on television, the stereotype abounds. Men can’t get enough of woman: they’re sidetracked by the mere sight of a beautiful woman, and, whether married or no, get themselves into all manner of difficulty over them. They can’t help but stare, even when their wives kick their ass for it. Men are horny little bastards who cheat, lie, and make fools of themselves. They have one-night stands at every opportunity, and seek to get laid with the desperation of a heroin addict searching for a fix. Fidelity in marriage is a struggle.

So, is the stereotype all wrong… or is there something wrong with me?

I seriously doubt it’s the former. I know (and have known) a lot of guys, and there is something to the stereotype. I’ve known guys who cheat on their wives, and guys who would bullshit God himself if they thought they’d get laid. I’ve known guys who have done some really stupid things just to get a girl to look at them. But I’ve never met a guy who admits he’s turned down an invitation for sex. I’ve never heard a guy say Man… my wife was all over me last night, but I was just too damn tired. Other than me, that is.

I know a few married men who are happy with the status quo, but even they aren’t interested in turning down an offer, and most of them still have to do some “convincing. Most of the married men I know, however, are constantly complaining about how nice it’d be to get it more often… even the ones that are happy with the status quo.

Meanwhile, my wife has practically begged me to throw her down on the bed (or sofa, or car hood, or…) and have at it whenever I want – but I’ve never thrown down… not even once. She’s asked me to get off my ass and find a girlfriend… someone we can both play with (most guys would jump all over this – “Quick! Before she changes her mind!” – right?) – but I’ve been completely unsupportive of the idea. Not against it, just ambivalent... or maybe just squirrelly.

Years ago, in the movie The Firm, Tom Cruise’s character is blackmailed when the firm sets him up for a one-night stand while on a business trip. If it had been me in this movie, it would’ve devolved into a comedy… a hilarious story devoted to the firm’s increasingly desperate attempts to get me to even notice the woman, let alone sleep with her. A chance meeting on a beach turning into a blackmail opportunity?… not a chance. At the end of my movie, after leaving naked women in my hotel room without success and who knows what other inventive capers, the partners would throw themselves off the roof in frustration.

In some ways, I’m like a guy with a winning lottery ticket, afraid to cash it in because I’m convinced I’ve got to be reading the numbers wrong. In other ways, I just don’t feel the need to turn it in, like a guy who is already perfectly happy with what he’s got: yeah, I know, I should cash it in… I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

But I still have no idea why I don’t fit the stereotype.

Friday!

1. Through Google Reader, I subscribe to a number of blogs that are nothing but posted pictures. This week I decided that, each day, I would email Dee the two photos (and ONLY two) posted that day that I found most erotic, arousing, or sexy. I can already see there will be two types of days… the days when I’ll be forced to pick the two best out of a bad lot, and the days when I’ll have to struggle to choose between any number of good ones.

2. Dee has to start over on her “repayment” plan again after not making any offers yesterday. I’m not sure her strategy was sound since she’ll be gone overnight tonight, and the opportunity for any offer at all was therefore limited and likely to be missed today anyways (though she did suggest a quickie in the car in the parking lot of the CHURCH where the sleepover is being held… which is a little over the top for me, I’m afraid to say).

3. She’s threatening to renegotiate anyways, because I’ve turned down her last two offers. The first I’d qualify as a legitimate offer, but the second was just an offer of a backrub with the innuendo of “seeing where it leads” (which, in my case, leads nowhere… a backrub relaxes me and puts me to sleep, guaranteeing it won’t lead anywhere at all). Since I was already well on my way, already…

4. Admittedly, I haven’t been feeling particularly randy lately. I think it’s the sun and the longer days. In December, we’d come home from work in the dark, but now I got to bed and lay there thinking about all the things I should have done with the nice day, and how I wasted a good couple hours… it's distracting, and not particularly rousing.

5. On the positive side, I’m still working on the to-do list, and I’ve taken a stab at writing an ad… but I’m not having much success in the latter. Do I write it as being from both of us? From me? What should I say?

6. I’m going to spend a couple hours on the computer tonight, and pay attention to what’s out there. Maybe I’ll be able to answer a couple of those questions, at least. :)

Clarification first, then on to other things

1. After Wednesday’s post, Dee pointed out to me that I’d painted her with the jealousy brush when she has done nothing to deserve it (which is absolutely true), that I’d misinterpreted what she’d meant to say (also true). I apologized immediately, and admit that I did misinterpret. And without belaboring the point further (more than I already have, at any rate), I honestly don’t believe that Dee is jealous, and apologize for any intimation in my post that might suggest otherwise.

2. I’ve been putting together a list of little things to do just for fun… a checklist of simple things like blowing bubbles or catching snowflakes on your tongue. My idea was to give it to Dee, and see how many of them she can check off over the course of a year – just to add a little extra fun to her day/week/month/year. I actually had a list of about four hundred of these things, but I pared it down to one page with some of my faves (or those I thought would be Dee’s faves) on it. I was going to do an adult one of these, as well, but most of the ideas I found paralleled with dares I still have, or lists I can give her, or that kind of thing, so I don’t know if that’ll be a workable thing.

3. Seriously… one of these days I’m going to get us back on the dare thing. And start doing a better job of meeting my obligations under the rules. Poor Dee… it must really suck being married to me. :(

4. I’ve been working on writing up an ad, too, but the trouble is, I have no idea what works. Shorter? Longer? Detailed? Whimsical?

5. Having a bit of free time at work is a good thing!

6. I’ll have a couple hours to myself tomorrow night, so I’ll try to check out some of those websites Dee referred to in more detail. Maybe we should consider a pay site, as well. The question would be… which one is best? If anyone out there reading this has any suggestions…

The Firsts Edition

1. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

That would be Jason. I was in 3rd grade and I walked him home from school. I kissed him on his front porch after telling him he had beautiful eyes.

2. Who was your first celebrity crush?

I will say George Michaels. My best friend and I wrote a letter to him when we were in jr. high. We giggled every time we saw his videos.

3. Describe your first sexual fantasy.

Don't really have them.

4. What was your first “type.” (athlete/nerd/etc.).

That would have to be stoner. I gravitated towards the guys in leather who listened to heavy metal and smoked.

5. Who was the first person you fell in love with?

I think that was Chad, the neighborhood boy I messed around with, and eventually he was the one to "officially" pop my cherry. I can still remember dancing with him to Careless Whispers in the darkened hallway outside my bedroom and how my heart felt like it would burst. He was surprisingly romantic and was quite the kisser. I was always second fiddle to his old girlfriend though and whenever she wanted him back, he would drop me like a hot potato. Luv sucks.

Bonus Question: Have you ever had a one-night stand? Describe the first time you had one.

It was Halloween night and I must have been 13 or 14. We walked to a friends house (none of us were old enough to drive) and "hung out" with the older brothers of my friend's friend. We all ended up pairing up and I slept with the guy I was with and I don't even remember his name. I know I knew it at the time. I think this was my one and only one night stand, because while I did sleep with a couple of guys only a couple of times, it WAS more than once.

Hmmm.

For the first time in a while, I’ve had little to do at work, so I’ve re-read Dee’s recent posts and let my mind wander about both the past and future. Reading between the lines of Dee’s list of things she wants me to do (spend some time on Ashley Madison, et al, create a profile, respond to some ads, connect with someone that wants to pursue a threesome, and meet them in preparation for introducing Dee) and numerous other comments she’s posted or said in the past, I sometimes think she wishes I’d get off my ass and get proactive about pursuing other woman -- that she’d be happier if I a touch of the womanizer in me.

I can’t get on any of those adult websites at work, but I thought I might try my hand at writing an ad or two for later use sometime this afternoon. Then, earlier today, I mentioned to Dee (via email) that a co-worker stopped by and commented on how my weight loss was starting to show (positively). Dee’s response was (paraphrasing) ‘isn’t she the one you think is cute?’ (it wasn’t), followed by a one-word commentary… “Hmmm.”

I assumed that “hmmm” indicated (in thought) the implicit and unstated ‘I’m not sure I like the thought of this,’ but rather than jump to conclusions, I asked what the “hmmm” meant. Dee’s response: “the Hmmm was wondering how much you are flirting at work. I know, I know.” -- again, a response that, to me, signaled hidden discomfort with the very idea I might interact with another woman.

Keeping in mind that I’m stuck living life in prevent mode – carefully avoiding, whenever possible, any act that might cause discord in our relationship -- you can see why I’m unable to bring myself to action… because, even now, I sense mixed messages. On the one hand, Dee makes cracks about me getting a girlfriend, and spends evenings online looking at ads for potential partners. She suggests I find a girl and meet her for coffee prior to introducing them to each other. She gets annoyed when I fail to notice an attractive woman in our midst.

On the other hand, we had a bad row over whether to pursue a threesome, or another couple, and another regarding what comprised a potential female partner (at one time Dee insisted she must be older and comparably less attractive), based in part on Dee’s concern that I might find another woman more desirable… not to mention that the mere thought of my being flirtatious at work being worthy of a ‘hmmm.’ These things, and others, have told me I’m not as free to act as her words indicate.

I can fully understand these sentiments, of course. I’ve been honest with her from the get-go that I’m uncomfortable with the idea of her with another guy. In the self-esteem department, I think I’m really smart, a great father, etc. I think highly of myself in many areas, but in terms of this particular topic, I view myself as being in the below-average. Still, I’ve tried very hard not to send mixed messages … I’ve never said “go get a boyfriend… but… uh… wait… no… Yes!... wait… NO!” (even though I sometimes think that way).

I often suspect that Dee’s urgings are simply words she’s comfortable uttering because she is confident I’ll never actually act. I think if I ever did act on them, our relationship would quickly tumble into a bad patch. And so, my response to her encouragements is a (now stereotypical) eye rolling, “uh-huh… yeah.”

A couple days ago Dee shared with me the fact she’s been exchanging emails with a woman she’d met on an adult site – a woman who wanted to hang out with her and have some fun, and would, in addition, be open to allowing my participation now and then. The revelation came when Dee sought my advice on how to respond after this woman had sent her x-rated self-portraits.

It occurred to me to wonder what Dee’s reaction would have been if the situation were reversed… if I’d told her I’d been chatting with another woman, and she was interested in hanging out with me, and was also open to the idea of a threesome, and had sent me nude photos of herself.

Of course, I didn’t ask. I suspect Dee’s first response would have been to point out that the scenario isn’t the same – for it to be equal, I would have to be exchanging emails/photos with another guy. And I would contest that this is just her splitting hairs in order to justify her unfair belief that we should each live by a different set of rules, and three days of two stubborn and immovable forces butting heads would begin, with both of us behaving somewhat unfairly.

But I’m pretty sure it’d being with some relative of “Hmmm.”

The Media Edition

1. What was the first nudity you remember seeing on film?

I remember watching the Blue Lagoon at about 10 years old and that was the first nudity I remember seeing. I'm sure there was some before that, but I don't remember it.

2. What was the first x-rated movie you ever saw?

I think the first X-rated movie I saw was in a dorm room in college. Have no idea what it was, but one of the guys I was seeing always had porn playing in his room. I remember there was a particularly graphic anal scene and it wasn't until years later that I realized the green goo leaking all over the place was lube and not bodily fluids!

3. What was the first x-rated movie you owned?

Well, I taped a segment of the Spice channel once when my roommate wasn't home. I watched that tape A LOT! I didn't purchase any until DH and I went to Castle one morning instead of going to work! Sadly, the taped Spice channel was much more enjoyable.

4. What was the first “adult” magazine you ever saw?

The first magazine I ever saw would have to be Playboy. My father used to have them laying around until I was 6 or 7 and my mom made him put them in their bedroom.

5. What was the first “adult” magazine you ever purchased?

I had a subscription to Playgirl for a few years and looked forward to receiving them every month! But that was all, and I've never gone into a store to purchase one.

Bonus Question: Of all the seuxally oriented materials you have viewed, describe something which you discovered turned you on, which your partner would be most surprised to learn aroused you?

My partner won't be surprised at all, but I was completely surprised when I was totally turned on by a girl on each end of a double ended dildo. I was, in fact, shocked that it would turn me at all! He might be surprised that watching two men kissing did not turn me on.