Hmmm.

For the first time in a while, I’ve had little to do at work, so I’ve re-read Dee’s recent posts and let my mind wander about both the past and future. Reading between the lines of Dee’s list of things she wants me to do (spend some time on Ashley Madison, et al, create a profile, respond to some ads, connect with someone that wants to pursue a threesome, and meet them in preparation for introducing Dee) and numerous other comments she’s posted or said in the past, I sometimes think she wishes I’d get off my ass and get proactive about pursuing other woman -- that she’d be happier if I a touch of the womanizer in me.

I can’t get on any of those adult websites at work, but I thought I might try my hand at writing an ad or two for later use sometime this afternoon. Then, earlier today, I mentioned to Dee (via email) that a co-worker stopped by and commented on how my weight loss was starting to show (positively). Dee’s response was (paraphrasing) ‘isn’t she the one you think is cute?’ (it wasn’t), followed by a one-word commentary… “Hmmm.”

I assumed that “hmmm” indicated (in thought) the implicit and unstated ‘I’m not sure I like the thought of this,’ but rather than jump to conclusions, I asked what the “hmmm” meant. Dee’s response: “the Hmmm was wondering how much you are flirting at work. I know, I know.” -- again, a response that, to me, signaled hidden discomfort with the very idea I might interact with another woman.

Keeping in mind that I’m stuck living life in prevent mode – carefully avoiding, whenever possible, any act that might cause discord in our relationship -- you can see why I’m unable to bring myself to action… because, even now, I sense mixed messages. On the one hand, Dee makes cracks about me getting a girlfriend, and spends evenings online looking at ads for potential partners. She suggests I find a girl and meet her for coffee prior to introducing them to each other. She gets annoyed when I fail to notice an attractive woman in our midst.

On the other hand, we had a bad row over whether to pursue a threesome, or another couple, and another regarding what comprised a potential female partner (at one time Dee insisted she must be older and comparably less attractive), based in part on Dee’s concern that I might find another woman more desirable… not to mention that the mere thought of my being flirtatious at work being worthy of a ‘hmmm.’ These things, and others, have told me I’m not as free to act as her words indicate.

I can fully understand these sentiments, of course. I’ve been honest with her from the get-go that I’m uncomfortable with the idea of her with another guy. In the self-esteem department, I think I’m really smart, a great father, etc. I think highly of myself in many areas, but in terms of this particular topic, I view myself as being in the below-average. Still, I’ve tried very hard not to send mixed messages … I’ve never said “go get a boyfriend… but… uh… wait… no… Yes!... wait… NO!” (even though I sometimes think that way).

I often suspect that Dee’s urgings are simply words she’s comfortable uttering because she is confident I’ll never actually act. I think if I ever did act on them, our relationship would quickly tumble into a bad patch. And so, my response to her encouragements is a (now stereotypical) eye rolling, “uh-huh… yeah.”

A couple days ago Dee shared with me the fact she’s been exchanging emails with a woman she’d met on an adult site – a woman who wanted to hang out with her and have some fun, and would, in addition, be open to allowing my participation now and then. The revelation came when Dee sought my advice on how to respond after this woman had sent her x-rated self-portraits.

It occurred to me to wonder what Dee’s reaction would have been if the situation were reversed… if I’d told her I’d been chatting with another woman, and she was interested in hanging out with me, and was also open to the idea of a threesome, and had sent me nude photos of herself.

Of course, I didn’t ask. I suspect Dee’s first response would have been to point out that the scenario isn’t the same – for it to be equal, I would have to be exchanging emails/photos with another guy. And I would contest that this is just her splitting hairs in order to justify her unfair belief that we should each live by a different set of rules, and three days of two stubborn and immovable forces butting heads would begin, with both of us behaving somewhat unfairly.

But I’m pretty sure it’d being with some relative of “Hmmm.”