Men, and me.

I have no idea why I don’t fit the stereotype.

The other day I was talking to a friend on the phone… he was in his car heading home after a business dinner, blasting down the road at breakneck speed because (for a variety of understandable reasons) he and his wife hadn’t done it in almost three weeks, and (for other understandable reasons) probably wouldn’t get the chance to do it again for another week or two. He jokingly told me that, after three weeks, he was starting to think about having an affair, then confided: She actually told me tonight was the night. She’s never said that before. Usually I have to convince her.

I thought: Jeez, Dee thinks every night is the night. I’m the one that needs convincing.

In movies and on television, the stereotype abounds. Men can’t get enough of woman: they’re sidetracked by the mere sight of a beautiful woman, and, whether married or no, get themselves into all manner of difficulty over them. They can’t help but stare, even when their wives kick their ass for it. Men are horny little bastards who cheat, lie, and make fools of themselves. They have one-night stands at every opportunity, and seek to get laid with the desperation of a heroin addict searching for a fix. Fidelity in marriage is a struggle.

So, is the stereotype all wrong… or is there something wrong with me?

I seriously doubt it’s the former. I know (and have known) a lot of guys, and there is something to the stereotype. I’ve known guys who cheat on their wives, and guys who would bullshit God himself if they thought they’d get laid. I’ve known guys who have done some really stupid things just to get a girl to look at them. But I’ve never met a guy who admits he’s turned down an invitation for sex. I’ve never heard a guy say Man… my wife was all over me last night, but I was just too damn tired. Other than me, that is.

I know a few married men who are happy with the status quo, but even they aren’t interested in turning down an offer, and most of them still have to do some “convincing. Most of the married men I know, however, are constantly complaining about how nice it’d be to get it more often… even the ones that are happy with the status quo.

Meanwhile, my wife has practically begged me to throw her down on the bed (or sofa, or car hood, or…) and have at it whenever I want – but I’ve never thrown down… not even once. She’s asked me to get off my ass and find a girlfriend… someone we can both play with (most guys would jump all over this – “Quick! Before she changes her mind!” – right?) – but I’ve been completely unsupportive of the idea. Not against it, just ambivalent... or maybe just squirrelly.

Years ago, in the movie The Firm, Tom Cruise’s character is blackmailed when the firm sets him up for a one-night stand while on a business trip. If it had been me in this movie, it would’ve devolved into a comedy… a hilarious story devoted to the firm’s increasingly desperate attempts to get me to even notice the woman, let alone sleep with her. A chance meeting on a beach turning into a blackmail opportunity?… not a chance. At the end of my movie, after leaving naked women in my hotel room without success and who knows what other inventive capers, the partners would throw themselves off the roof in frustration.

In some ways, I’m like a guy with a winning lottery ticket, afraid to cash it in because I’m convinced I’ve got to be reading the numbers wrong. In other ways, I just don’t feel the need to turn it in, like a guy who is already perfectly happy with what he’s got: yeah, I know, I should cash it in… I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

But I still have no idea why I don’t fit the stereotype.