Mental Evolution

One of the puzzles I haven’t solved is why there is such a disconnect between what I feel and my actions. I feel bold, aggressive, and sexual, but I realize that, in terms of action, I don’t outwardly appear to be so – not even to Dee. I think and fantasize in daring and assertive tones, but never put these internal characteristics into practice.

Even now, it’s easy for me to sit at my desk at work and think, “After the kid is tucked in, I’m gonna curl up on the sofa with Dee and let her suck my cock” (our rules require that I initiate one blowjob per week) -- but actually doing that… isn’t so easy for me. I’m sure that part of it is related to the tendency to follow I shared on 1/23/09, but I think there are other factors involved, as well.

Over the years, my interest in sex hasn’t changed much, but my viewpoint has varied through the normal course of time, just as everyone else’s has. Still, throughout my life, for some unexplainable reason, this disconnect has always been there.

In my own psycho-sexual evolution, naïve anticipation for the unknown became the imaginary explorations of an inexperienced youth. I fantasized about sex and blowjobs and tits and alternative positions, but never revealed these thoughts to any sexual partner (and there weren’t that many to begin with). I timidly followed wherever my partners led, and, lacking confidence and fearing a negative reaction, couldn’t summon the nerve to so much as admit the dirty little secret that I wanted to do it doggie style.

Eventually, these youthful fantasies evolved into adult desires. In practice, I did gain some experience, a hint of confidence, and a beginner’s grasp of what it was all about. In my head, my fantasies became more expansive in scope, more daring and experimental, and broader in variety. I pictured myself enjoying threesomes, and anal sex, and even orgies. An untold number of scenarios paraded through my head, and I finally acknowledged that my only option was to admit these thoughts existed. But even as the horniness that comes from wanting to experience everything sex had to offer hit me, I found I had become simultaneously entangled in two very different nets…

First, by the time I was finally ready to admit I had these thoughts, I was married to Dee, and this was, in truth, a great impediment to my sexual growth. In a way I suspect is not unlike a woman who has been faking orgasms for years (and then suddenly considers revealing the truth to her lover), I couldn’t imagine coming clean – honey, sorry to tell you this, bit I’ve basically been lying and keeping things from you for a decade now. I couldn’t help but worry over what Dee’s reaction would be. For a long time, it was just easier to keep silent, and not worry about it.

Second, and perhaps both more insidious and more challenging, I had become (and still am) so accustomed to being the silent follower, so used to not acknowledging these thoughts (let alone acting on them), that the habit has become my natural character. It seems strange (in an uncomfortable this-isn’t-me kind of way) to act in a sexual manner. As I posted on 9/25/08, just the idea of “checking out” another woman feels wrong.

This is really the struggle to make a conscious change to a deeply set habitual behavior. I compare this to a simple (albeit silly) example: Imagine you’ve spent the past 20 years calling everyone you know (or meet) “dude,” but now wish to not only stop the practice, but replace it with a more respectful one (calling people “sir” or “ma’am” as the case may be). Not only is it tough to stop the previous habit, but forcing yourself to stick to the new plan is a true challenge, as well. And when you succeed, those who know you inadvertently make things harder. They stop and stare, and note the change. They ask if you are feeling ok, or blurt out “dude… what the hell is wrong with you?”

We’ve pretty well transcended that first by communicating openly and plainly for some 14 months now. Now, it’s mostly about getting out of that second net. That’s mostly on me. And that’s mostly what this year (and my resolutions) is about. Things have started out slowly… but I accept that. These things take time.