Oxymorons

I used to think I was a chameleon. In the past (this would be back in the bad old days of high school and college), whenever I was fooling around with a girl, I would mirror her behavioral output – this seemed to be my natural tendency. If she was acting aggressive, forward, and sexual, I would, after a delay to acclimate myself, act more sexual in return. When she was acting shy, my tendency was to retreat and become even more tentative. As a result, I don’t think I’ve ever initiated a first kiss, and probably never really initiated sex… at least not until long after Dee and I were married.

In the past year, I’ve come to understand I’m not the chameleon I thought I was – sexually speaking I’m actually a tentative follower who likes to feel he’s in control… an oxymoron if ever there was one. Still, it’s an apt description: I like to feel as though I’m initiating and guiding things, but – to coin a phrase – I need an engraved invitation (or, more often then not, repeated invitations) before I’ll initiate anything or guide you anywhere at all. Further, I’m only comfortable when I’m led towards (or invited to visit) safe and familiar territories.

In retrospect, I realize that what I needed (and could still use) was a hefty dose of self-confidence when it comes to how I approach women, and how I view the guy I see in the mirror. I also see that there eventually came a time in each relationship (or potential relationship) when I was expected to take over and lead the way… something that just never happened. As a result, in my less rosy moments, I can look back on my life and see it as a series of potential life experiences (both sexual and not) that I let slip away.

Dee has told me in the past that she likes to be “eased into things” – a description I now recognize fits my own particulars, as well. I like the image of wading slowly into water, testing the temperature, the depth, etc. Getting used to the sensations over time, and deciding, on a moment-by-moment basis whether to move further forward, or return to the safety of the shore. Sadly, when I’m testing waters I really DO want to swim in, I still have to wade in slowly, with Dee tugging at my arm, leading me slowly away from shore. And when I’m not sure I want to swim… I might only take a small step forward once each year.

Of course, Dee has also told me she likes to “jump in,” too, subjecting me to her own oxymoronic brand… somehow suggesting I ought to ease her into the water by encouraging her to leap off the diving board… without pushing her off. (Oy!)

Admittedly, between the two of us, Dee definitely has the tougher time… I’m a complex collection of oxymorons. I’m a follower who likes to be in control. I think of myself as dominant… but not aggressive – which means I find aggressiveness and submissiveness appealing (go ahead… try being both at the same time). I like to be in control, but hate having to give direction – and thus when Dee fails to read my mind, I get grumpy, and if forced to make requests, I get annoyed (even when my requests are fulfilled). And to continue the metaphor, I am moody, stubborn, and rather unpleasant when being led away from the safety of the shore… even when I’ve specifically said I want to go swimming.

What’s a girl to do? She’s asked me that many times, and I never have an answer. I’m a mystery, even to me.

Luckily, Dee apparently likes a good, frustrating mystery. :)