A Reason for The Rules

Dee and I know several couples who are currently struggling – their relationships are on shaky ground. Sometimes it’s mostly one party’s fault, but more often than not, both parties are equally to blame (though neither of them acknowledge or accept such a notion). Other couples we know would tell you they’re happily married, and have good relationships, but in many cases, if you get one of them alone (and you can pick either one… both men and women are equally capable of this), you find they spend a lot of time complaining about the other. And when they’re together, they seem to spend a lot of energy sniping at each other.

In each case, there are unique circumstances that contribute to the current state of the relationship, but in paying attention to these couples, both collapsing and “happily” married, I think that, regardless of circumstance, there are a number of things that are almost always true:

1. The longer two people are together, the less likely it is they will actually communicate. If they have kids, they’ll pretty much just talk about the kids. Or they’ll stick to the bills, or what’s on the calendar for tomorrow, or how much their boss sucks. But it’s unlikely they’ll stay up late talking about something new they want from the relationship (sexually or otherwise), or take the time to express appreciation for everyday things the other does, or

2. The worse off the relationship, the more selfish both people will become. And the more they will lie to each other, too.

3. The longer two people are together, the more entwined (interdependent) their lives become. This is obvious, but important, because, from a perceptual point of view, when things are good, this greater the dependence, the more difficult it becomes for one partner to “risk” the other’s respect and love by expressing a changed opinion, sharing a new idea, or revealing a new sexual interest. And when things are bad, this dependence is what keeps people together long after they should have hit the door.

4. Sexually, the longer two people are together, the more likely it is that at least one will want to explore new territory and expand their sexual horizons. As people get older they become more internally self-aware, and more secure in themselves and their bodies, increasing both the likelihood their sexual interests will expand and their willingness to pursue those interests.

5. A lot of people simply accept an acceptable status quo as defining a “good” relationship. But neutral contentment with the "okay" is not really the same as "good."

I read or heard a quote about marriage somewhere (I forget where) that basically said “REAL love is spending thirty years watching someone floss their teeth, treat their zits, and trim their toenails, and still wanting to be with them.” From what I've heard, half the couples in the country don't get anywhere near that thirty-year benchmark before calling it a day, and I sometimes think that a lot of couples who do get there aren't really held together by love, but rather inertia, or habit... #5 on my list, above.

This list is the best reason I can think of for having the rules Dee and I have. The rules aren’t simply about sex, or what’s allowed or not allowed with other people (though those things are covered, too) -- they’re also about those things just listed. They’re about keeping the communication going, making changes to keep things interesting, and making time for date nights. And they’re about making sure we each take a moment (almost) every day to say “I appreciate…”

It's less about keeping to the rules, and more about just making the effort.