Low Tide

It’s been over two weeks since Dee last posted, and I haven’t posted much, either. I’m not sure she’s noticed the reduction – she hasn’t commented on it, at least – but my post-less-ness reflects the fact that I’m feeling less sexual than usual (and I wasn’t a fire-breathing dragon to begin with). Lately, I’ve been uninspired and lackadaisically un-horny. When I’ve tried to find something to say here, or come up with an idea for my other blog, I’ve run into a brick wall. Even when I try to think about sex, I get bored and my mind wanders off somewhere else. Several times this past week, Dee has subtly (or not so subtly) ‘suggested’ I make a move, but I lack the passion to take the suggestion to heart.

I measure Dee’s ”horniness,” in part, by her participation in this blog (and other electronic interactions, like email) because my participations reflect the level of interest I have. When in my current state, I don’t post, and my emails to Dee merely meet the ‘minimum requirements’ (so to speak). When I’m feeling especially sexual, I suspect that’s easy to recognize, too (especially for Dee, reading my email).

I need to be engaged during the day, I guess. This is why the back-and-forth emails we exchanged a year ago worked so well – the constant flow, the quick responses, and Dee’s obvious enthusiasm, enjoyment, and arousal, all played a part in revving up my interest. Since then, we’ve tried other ideas – the dare game, my giving her questions to answer here – but those haven’t worked. One problem is we’re different people, with incompatible needs. When I participate in such things, I don’t want to beg, or cajole, or remind… and Dee needs someone who will do those things. I don’t want to wait for results, and Dee likes to noodle until she’s done noodling. I need to sense the activity is exciting or arousing to Dee, and, when noodling, Dee never speaks of the topic or shows enthusiasm… it’s as though she’s forgotten about the notion entirely.

These differences give me a sense I’m coercing Dee’s participation, and, for me, begging, coercion, and waiting are all turn-offs. Still, I’ve tried all these in the hopes of re-capturing the moments of engagement we had a while back, but eventually I always start wondering if she’s even interested in the idea at all. I get annoyed, and when whatever mood is left fades away, I let it go willingly, and give up.

Of course, Dee is in the same boat – she must constantly remind me to fulfill my obligations. Maybe she feels the same way I do, or maybe she doesn’t. I really don’t know, but I doubt she likes playing the pestering-prompting-begging role any more than I do… she rarely does any reminding of her own. She has to deal with my impatience and annoyance, too, and this creates a bit of a bad cycle: the more annoyed and moodless I become, the more annoyed she is with me, and the less responsive she becomes… leading me to be even become even less engaged…

So we are where we are: both behind on our obligations (me more so than her). The dare game fizzled. Our email exchanges are brief, infrequent, and nonsexual. Dee hasn’t re-started her repayment plan, and is far overdue on three sets of questions she was to post here. I have no desire to remind her of these things, or to obtain results by doing so (if anything is more of a turn-off than waiting and pleading, it’s feeling like she’s only responding because I’m pestering her!), and have temporarily given up making such efforts. And I’m feeling as horny as a pile of sand.

To get back into a more receptive mood, I’m going to start posting again. I’ll post here, and more often again hereafter. I’ll do the Friday Fill-In thing on my other blog, and, starting Monday, I’ll post my own versions of the same lists Dee has responded to, as well. It’s a simple, easy thing to do, and doesn’t require much in the way of creativity or thinking… but maybe it’ll help get me back into a more interested frame of mind.