Marriage vs. Dating

When you’re married for over a decade – and you still WANT to be married – you think marriage is a great thing. And that’s were I’m at. I’m happy, I still think she looks great naked, and (in spite of all those frustrating little quirks she has that drive me NUTS) I still like having her around. Still, after watching an episode of Friends (in which one of the characters laments all she’ll be giving up by getting married), I got to thinking about the differences between dating and marriage, and realized marriage does take away something that might be impossible to bring back into the relationship.

In my last post I typed: This, I think, is tied to the hidden thrill I get from knowing things about Dee… things that NO ONE else knows...

What I said is somewhat inaccurate – the word “thrill” suggests a serious turn on, and that isn’t really a spot-on description. There used to be a thrill there, but now… ?

Allow me to explain: I remember sitting down around at the dinner table – surrounded by my horrifyingly conservative parents here, my dorky brother and ditzy sister there – and looking over at Dee, thinking: Just ten minutes ago we were fooling around downstairs… just ten minutes ago I was in her mouth…

And I remember her looking back at me, the corners of her mouth turn up, and I knew she was thinking these same thoughts.

There was a naughtiness to it… a feeling of drawing outside the lines. Of rebelling. A shared secret. A sense of the taboo. And that’s what’s forever missing once you’re married.

First off… sexually speaking, whatever 'it' is, it’s not really a secret. Everyone knows I’ve seen Dee naked, and nobody cares. Back in high school, if a guy got to second base, and told his friends about it, he’d invariably get a response (“You got to see her rack? …(*chuckle*)… NICE!”).

Now…? I see Dee naked on a regular basis, and nobody seems particularly surprised.

Everyone knows we’ve done it, and nobody cares. We have a kid, and I’m pretty sure even my conservative parents – and everyone else on the planet -- know how that happened.

My parents come for a visit, and we sit at the dinner table… but the secrets contained in our glances are no longer sexual, and the turn on isn’t there (we do roll our eyes at the conservative opinions they express). When in the midst of public interactions (at a party, socializing with friends, for example), my mind does often turn to the subjects I expressed – the fact that I know what she looks like naked, etc. – but even when our eyes meet… it’s really not the same.

Ask anyone at the party if they think Dee and I have slept together, and the best you’ll get is “Well… duh… yeah. Pass me the salsa, will ya?”

There’s no naughtiness left… that little (albeit adolescent) thrill is removed.

I think this might be part of the reason people have affairs, and why couples seek out new experiences, new thrills. They tie each other up, or post x-rated views of their fun on the Internet. They have threesomes, and broaden their horizons. And all of it is fun (or, if they don’t find it to their liking, it still remains thrilling to have tried!).

But I wonder… is it really all just an attempt to recapture this one powerful thrill from our youth… an attempt to recreate the feeling we get when we have a shared intimacy, a naughty secret that we share with one special person… and only that one person?