Lessons Learned

I return to my office, my mind going a million miles a minute. I was not overcome with the desire to rip her clothes off. But I slowly realize that I really didn't have the experience that I wanted to have either. I just sat there and let her lead me in the experience. Sexually speaking, I am really not a person comfortable sitting back and being lead. I like to take the lead, and am usually the agressor. While I often tell DH that I want him to dominate me, I mean it in the sense of knocking me down a peg or two and dominating over my insolence and aggresiveness. That I want to be forced to submit. Not that I want to sit there meekly.

Soon after she had left, I was regretting not taking matters into my own hands. I like soft and slow just as much as the next woman. But to get my motor running, I need to be able to have input. I hate regrets, but already I was regretting just sitting there. In a previous answer to DH's questions, I wrote that I don't like to have regrets, just experiences that I would or would not have again. But now I realize that it's the things I don't do that I later regret...the experiences I miss out on and opportunities that I let pass.

I emailed her and told her these thoughts and hoped to make a date for the next weekend.

The next day I sent another email, expressing that I would really like to see her. She lived very close to me. She was about the same height/weight proportion as me, it would be a good match.

After I returned from my camping trip, and she still had not emailed, I decided to email her one last time. I discovered that she had deactivated her account off PoF.

The lessons in this experience are plentiful:

I need to get over this phobia of touching if I am going to have many of the experiences that I desire.

I need to be completely clear on what I want. And what I don't. I want new experiences. I don't want a relationship.

I learned that it's not always outside influences that need to change, it's my internal influences as well. Not only having an open dialogue with DH, but with myself.

I learned that going with my gut instinct is good, but I need to know when those instincts are holding me back and be able to reach beyond my typical boundaries. Doing the same thing as I've always done will not get me a different outcome.

I learned that I might just be in a mid-life crisis. The calendar is turning to mid-to-late thirties next week and I'm realizing I'm not getting any younger.

I learned that sometimes I need to risk embarrassment. Risk being uncomfortable. Risk rejection. I so wish I had taken her by the hair and really kissed her. And things might definitely have taken a different turn.

I talked with her today and she expressed reluctance at getting involved with a married woman, which is why she has been avoiding me. She expressed desire in including DH in our activities, but that's not what she really wants either. We are going to continue our conversation and maybe meet again soon. And if we do, I will stop hiding behind my thick glasses and professional demeaner. I will let the real me out. Which is always better.

Of course, DH knew all this to begin with. But I am so stubborn that I have to learn these lessons on my own.