Observations

Dee has pointed out (rightfully so) that I’ve been portraying her as an overly-jealous person, and to correct this error I would like to clarify what I really mean (for those who read this). In doing so, I must retreat into our past, but I will try to keep this succinct, giving only the details necessary to make my specific points (there’s a lot more to these stories, of course):

Years ago, I worked in restaurants, and, at that time, I blatantly flirted my way through the staff (even when I was running the kitchen and was, while not actually a manager, in a “position of authority”) and wore my sexuality “on my sleeve.” This went on for a few years while Dee and I were apart – I was here, and she was 1000 miles away living with another guy. Then, one day, we got back together.

Her moving 1000+ miles just to be with me, and the subsequent marriage, were each enough to change my demeanor. At that time, Dee was, in fact, a jealous person (the type which, if I noticed our waitress was cute and took a second look, would give me an icy stare, and conversation would turn cold and stilted). Partly because of this – but mostly because it’s just who I am – I changed. I stopped flirting. Noticing waitresses faded into something I did “way back then.” My conversations shifted to our life together: the wedding plans, renting a house, buying a house, being pregnant, the new baby, etc. I left the restaurant business soon thereafter, and matured into a far different person from the single guy I’d left behind.

Dee often reminds me she’s not the same jealous woman I knew ten or fifteen or twenty years ago. However, because my behavior has changed so drastically, she’s never had a chance to prove (through action) that she is as different as we both believe her to be. It’s been years since I noticed a waitress, so while I’m sure she has changed, I still conduct myself according to those old perceptions, and still often perceive her to be the way she once was, simply because no new perceptions have taken their place.

After pondering our conversations this weekend, I wonder if I might be trapped by the circumstances of our suburban life. I used to be flirtatious, outgoing, and quite sexual in my interactions with others, but contemplating a return to such behavior now feels… decidedly weird and unnatural. In a way… just plain wrong. Not who I am. What was once normal and comfortable behavior for me is now the opposite.

I think if Dee and I had never gotten together, I’d probably still be in the restaurant business, and it’s likely I’d still be that same old single guy. I can’t speak for Dee, but I am guessing that if we’d never gotten together, at this time in her life she’d feel much more free and unrestrained in exploring as she desires (and, having put it that way, maybe that does mean I’m holding her back…). If Dee and I broke up right now, I suspect that, over a short period of time (a matter of a few months for her, and perhaps a year or 18 months for me), we would both metamorphose into whoever we really are (apart from our relationship together).

The point I am driving at in everything I’ve said is this: I think it’s possible we could both take a hiatus from our “real” lives for a single evening, or a weekend, or even a week. I think it's possible we could say “this is who we are normally, but now, for this week, we’re going to change everything…”, but I now realize doing so is far more challenging than I could have ever appreciated. I used to do the whole smoking, drinking, out until dawn thing, and now… I’d have to seriously plan ahead to even attempt such a thing. We both want to explore (though we both want to follow different paths and hope for different things), but I wonder if that’s even truly possible. Even if a hiatus allows us both to be who we really are (whoever THAT turns out to be!), I think the real challenge might be the ten (or twenty) years of established history and solidified expectations we’ve built together. She expects me to behave, act, and react in certain ways, and I expect the same of her. We both feel odd and uncomfortable (in spite of professed mutual support) sharing a thought, idea, or interest – simply because it flies in the face of that history. And, I think, we actually expect OURSELVES to behave, act, and react in certain ways, making even a small step outside those expectations, even when we WANT to take that step, a significant accomplishment. (This last, I think, is more my problem than her's.)

I’m not saying I think we should just give it up, but I am saying this might be a longer, slower, more challenging process than I ever envisioned it would be.