TMI

DH hasn't been posting lately...nor sending me picture that turn him on...nor posting on his other blog. I have asked him what his deal is and why he is being distant, but he insists it's my perception and nothing is amiss.

That's not what my chart says, but it has been a particularly busy time of year.

So I will contribute the TMI this week...

1. had sex with someone ten years older or younger than you?
Nope! The biggest stretch was when I was 14 (or so) and I attempted to have sex with someone who was 21. I say attempted because I was a little bitty thing, and he was a big big guy and things just didn't fit! Ouch! He was very gentle and caring though, and did not force anything. But whew!

2. drawn from a nude model or been a nude model?
Obviously, DH has photographed me, but that is it!

3. had sex at a company Christmas party?
Nope! But I did work at a country club once, and after the party we snuck back in and had sex under the ginormous Christmas tree!

4. had a blind date?
No! I don’t know that I would trust anyone enough to set me up on a blind date.

5. slept with a teacher?
No, though I have slept with a couple of men who have really taught me a lot about myself!

Five Things I Like About Date Night

1. We get to be relaxed with no rushing!

2. We end up talking for hours and hours. Just talking! About nothing. And everything. And I am reminded how witty, smart, and fun my husband is.

3. We get to go to grown up places to eat instead of Red Robin! And have a plethora of adult beverages!

4. We both get off work pretty early, so we sometimes pass the time by taking a stroll though the bookstore, or Costco, or no where in particular.

5. Sometimes, if the evening has gone just right, and we aren't too full or too drunk, if we don't get home too late, and we haven't argued about anything, we sometimes wind up having really great sex.

Growing Old...

First, in reading DH's previous posts, I am struck but what a good writer he is. Very articulate. I never seem to write what I mean to say, or else I end up writing something I didn't mean to say! But he can do it and I appreciate that it in him.

This particular sentence really sums him up in so many ways:

...it’s just that, when I’m not in the mood for it, I’m really not in the mood for it, and I react to those who are pretty much the way my father would react to them.

I love this blogging thing, because we are able to communicate things we might not have stopped to talk about. And this particular post makes me feel better about "us."

In yet another display of our incompatibility, I usually have a pie in the sky kind of mentality. I like to feel the joy and I try to find it. But, if DH knows I am excited about something, having fun with something, or even just happy thinking about something, he has a way of cutting through the joy to pull at my heartstrings to bring me back down to earth. Sometimes, I think he does this just to frustrate me or "burst my bubble" as I often say. What I didn't realize is that being with a bubble burster is frustrating enough, but BEING the bubble burster is probably equally, if not more, frustrating!

I found this quote that really resonates with me:

Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing.

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

I believe aging affects us in two ways: physically and mentally. There isn't a whole lot you can do about the physical. You can work out, eat right, get rest, but eventually it will catch up to you. I get that.

But the mental...the mental is definitely a state of mind. I believe we all have a choice here. You can choose to "be old." Be crotchety. Turn your nose up at behavior you perceive to be immature.

Or you can choose to be happy. Be curious. Be bold. Be adventurous. Be accepting that others have perspectives. You can believe the best is yet to come. You can accept that work is a necessity, but you don't have to make that work your life or let it negatively affect your every waking moment.

I think every experience is what you make of it. In fact, life is what you make of it.

Disclaimer: This post is in no way a criticism of critique of DH, it is simply random thoughts his post generated.

Friday Fill-In

And...here we go!

1. If we had no winter there would be no spring or fall.

2. The driving skills of the average American is a perpetual astonishment.

3. If I had my life to live over I’d strive to end up just where I am, but I’d make some different decisions along the way.

4. Live every day inside of four and twenty hours.

5. If you've never been thrilled ride a roller coaster.

6. To be interested in the changing seasons is to be engaged in the natural world.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing, tomorrow my plans include getting a lot of projects done and Sunday, I want to meet my wife at the movies!

Reacting Mature

While trying to assess the sexual differences between the ‘younger me’ and the ‘older me,’ it occurred to me that, logically, the older I get, the more open I should be to these explorations, and the less embarrassed I should be about pursuing them. With my self-esteem generally better and my relationship entirely secure, I should feel greater confidence in broadening my sexual horizons… and, in fact, I would say these things are ultimately true. That may seem like a lie in light of some previous posts, and my usual behavior, but I definitely feel less embarrassed, more open, and more confident than I used to… but I still find myself reacting to novel situations with resistance.

I think it’s possible my negative reactions when faced with novel opportunities might have something to do with an “over-mature” approach to the world.

A good example of what I’m referring to was our visit to the swingers club. I blogged about this briefly in the past – that on it’s face, a visit like that should have been right in line with what my interests (the possibility of a threesome, voyeurism, etc.)... and yet I didn’t enjoy the experience. The evening (and the club) can be divided into two distinct parts. Downstairs, where there was socializing, dinner, drinks, and the like. There, we met some good people… interesting, fun to talk to, engaging. Upstairs was all about the sex. And, upstairs, I found myself thinking ‘why would I want to hang around these people?’

My reaction was similar to the way I’d feel if I’d met a guy in a bar, a stranger met by chance. We chat about sports, share a few jokes, have a few laughs, and I begin to think I wouldn’t mind sharing a beer or two with this guy every now and then. Then the drinks hit him; in a heartbeat he turns drunk and starts acting stereotypically soused. He staggers through the room, slightly belligerent, and obnoxiously fires cheesy (and somewhat offensive) pick-up lines at every woman in view, leaving me at the bar, disappointed, shaking my head and thinking (sadly, not angrily), “I can’t believe this schmuck… maybe someday the idiot will grow up, and we can actually be friends.”

Keeping with the example… it’s not that I’m not open to the idea of getting a little buzzed… it’s just that, when I’m not in the mood for it, I’m really not in the mood for it, and I react to those who are pretty much the way my father would react to them.

I find that upsetting; I have no interest in embracing my father’s limited life. But there it is.

In the club, downstairs, it was great conversation. Upstairs, in a way, I felt this same sadness and disappointment, like I was too grown up to be interested in such shenanigans. I felt the way I’d feel if I were in a room with a bunch of buzzed 20-year-olds exchanging fart jokes… an eye roll and a sarcastic “oh, great… this is going to be fun!”

At the same time, It didn’t seem erotic at all… it just seemed… juvenile. It was a group of people older than I am trying to mimic the partying teens they’d seen on Dateline last week. It was a live version of low-budget 1970’s porn. I felt the way a woman might feel if she were on a date with a man… she has a great time… invites him up for a drink… and even before she slips off her jacket and turns on the lights, he strips naked in the middle of the living room and says (in a semi-bored voice) “So… you wanna do it on the sofa, or the floor?”

Downstairs, it was a great date. Upstairs… not even a HINT of romance. And therein lies the difference: when I was younger, I probably would have been fine with that, but now… I need a little romance. A little convincing. A touch more class in the ambiance. Otherwise, I just feel old.

Every now and then, I revisit the notion that we ought to give the swingers club a second try (we still have a gift certificate for dinner for two)… and I’m tempted by the idea, then decide I’m not interested.

With strip clubs, there’s been two types… the really classy places, and those “others.” I’ve always known ahead of time which I was going to, and had my expectations set accordingly. I don’t know what a stereotypical swingers club is like, but I might have felt differently if the one we’d gone to had been a little more… um… upscale is the word that comes to mind, or if I’d had a better understanding of what I should expect, and settled into the proper mindset for it. It’s possible I set myself to expect that the swingers club would be classier, and less “other” (it was nice, just not… elegant).

But part of me also wonders if I really am just too old.

Changes

In the past, I’ve lamented on the thrill-less nature of getting older, and the way I feel the energy of youth slipping away, but that’s only a small part of the “getting older” syndrome. The past couple lists I’ve posted and the most recent TMI got me thinking back to my youth… and I’ve realized there are other changes that have occurred. Somewhere along the way, I grew up, and started sounding and acting in ways FAR too similar to my father to make me happy. Whether it’s genetics or environment doesn’t matter… I’ve matured, and the changes occurred subtly, without notice:

I used to try hard to ensure that I had something to do every Friday and Saturday night… and every night during school vacations! Now, I’d be happy taking a week off work, just to do nothing at all.

I used to love to travel – it was an irresistible burning desire that hit me every time I got on the highway to go to work – the urge to just keep driving, and visit someplace new. It caused me to take off four or five times a year, to pick a spot on the map, and just drive. Now, I commute on the expressway every day, and feel no such need. I like to think that means I’m happy where I am, but I do miss that call of the road.

I used drink three “Double Gulps” (from 7-Eleven) of Mountain Dew between breakfast and 4pm (and it wasn’t until after 4pm that my REAL caffeine consumption began!), now, a cup of coffee in the morning, and another after lunch, is more than enough to get me through the day.

Often, that Mountain Dew would be seasoned with SoCo (Southern Comfort) or Blueberry Schnapps – a pint over the school day, a fifth if it was the weekend. Now, a glass of wine at dinner is enough to leave me loopy enough to worry about the drive home.

And, of course, there’s the dietary changes. I eat healthier, and keep the calorie intake to what’s reasonable.

There are many other changes I could probably point to without difficulty, but those are the most obvious to me, and most of them I really don’t miss at all. Plus, none of these things are changes for the worse, and I don’t claim them to be. What’s interesting to me is that none of these changes were really a conscious choice I made. The closest to that would be the eating healthy thing, with was Dee’s doing, really, and I simply found myself along for the ride.

I’m not suggesting I want to start re-living my younger days in these ways, either (though I do wonder if I’d feel peppier if I reintroduced myself to Mountain Dew). I’m perfectly satisfied with the way things are, and if I tried to live life differently over this weekend, I’d almost certainly have to take all of next week off to recover, and might even spend the better part of it suffering various forms of misery.

I did, however, want to put these things down, as I think this “growing up” phenomenon (or, how I’ve “personally matured”) has had deep and lasting impacts on how I react and view things in the sexual arena… which I will address in some depth on the ‘morrow…

More TMI

My mind is very compartmentalized. I am not a very good multi-tasker. I need to finish one thing before I start on another. Each item I work on has to have my full attention and focus. If I try to start something else, both suffer.

However, while I am working on one thing, my mind can "noodle" several other things in the background. These things simmer without my conscious input. When I am ready to work on them, I pull them to the front burner and turn the heat up. For the most part, the hard work is done and the simmering pays off with richness.

Now, my brain has more than your average four burners. Sometimes, however, there aren't enough burners for all the things that I need to simmer. In which case, I take the highest priority pots, and put them on my burners. Those are typically pots that are obligated to someone else. Depending on the workload, work pots sometimes take up most of the burners. Leaving one or two for the community service activities I perform for the girl in our life. The pots I know I can put off for a while get put back in the fridge until some burners free up.

Every once in a while, when I pull a pot out of the fridge, it just doesn't seem to want to warm up, let alone simmer. I keep it on the burner, and every once in a while, return to stir it. But nothing happens. Eventually, like overcooked fondue, the ingredients will turn into a hard ball of unusable ingredients.

As every good cook knows, and the reason I am not one, is if you allow yourself to be distracted for too long and neglect a simmering pot, your dish has a high probability of being ruined. Setting a timer sometimes works. It redirects your attention to your pot, giving you the opportunity to adjust the heat, put a cover on it, or if it's ready, finish it off. But even the best cooks sometimes have too many timers going off at the same time, and find it impossible to finish all the dishes that need to be finished. When this occurs, the dishes that HAVE to be finished get the attention (the bosses' family, the food critic, the health department inspector), while knowing that some of the dishes will be sacrificed (the employees' meals, the cook's own meal, the kids' meal). Sometimes whipping up some mac and cheese satisfies in the short term, but sometimes even that proves to be too much effort.

All this is to say I do the best I can and sometimes I have the capacity to play, and sometimes I don't. When my efforts are rewarded, I try harder. When my efforts are largely ignored or worse, criticized and retaliated against, I stop trying.

On a happy note, my cock stroking worked it's magic last night and I was rewarded with some very nice kisses.

And if that wasn't enough TMI, here's some more:

1. Which traits from your parents do you see in yourself?

Too many of them for me too. My mother's spendthrift ways, her lack of looking at the future, her focus on instant gratification, her awful mood swings, her short fuse, her problem with impulse control. I see all of these horrible traits in me. I try hard every day to recognize and address them, but fail more often than not.

2. Which traits from you/your partner do you see in your children (if you don't have kids, which would you like to see)?

I was just saying that she is the perfect combination of the two of us. She has DH's quiet introspection, his ability to look at a problem from all angles to find the solution, and his easy going nature. It is rare, if ever, that she gets mad, and when she does it is quickly resolved. She has his beautiful hair and eyes. I think she gets from me a healthy dose of empathy, a strong conviction to community service, and a persistent optimism.

3. How did you get the birds-and-bees talk?

I don't recall ever talking to my mother about the birds and bees. Our school district did require several sex ed classes, which is where I got most of my information.

4. What was your favorite childhood book?

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It still is one of my favorites, and I have given it to our daughter so that she knows that sometimes we have days like that. Even in Australia.

5. What is your favorite piece of erotic literature?

I have read several erotic books, ranging from XXX to R. I would have to say the most I have recalled being turned on by what I was reading was the Mayfair Witches series by Ann Rice. She also wrote a book under a psuedonym (which I can't remember at the moment) called Belinda and I remember the first time I read it I thought it was HOT. But the second time I didn't.

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a child?

Just be yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about you. It's what you think of yourself that matters. AND to just let it go. I spent so much of my youth holding onto grudges and hate. Arguing and fighting the same fights over and over. I am trying to teach my daughter that it isn't worth it. And letting someone else's actions ruin your day, week, month, or moment is just NOT worth it!

Double Bonus: If your life were a book or movie, what would the title be?

I would want it to be "Wicked" but it would probably turn out to be more like "Under the Radar."

Making Lists and TMI

For me, making lists, or creating games, or generating ideas of things to do (dares and such)… these are all cathartic, fun, interesting, and potentially arousing. These activities keep my mind active, pass the time at work (and sometimes distract me from actually earning my keep), and plant the seeds of real horniness. The question then becomes, will those seeds grow?

These things are double-edged swords. When Dee’s responses are stimulating or arousing, it can be a lot of fun for me. When she surprises me, and responds in a way that is interesting, or far more delicious than I could have anticipated, it can practically make my day. However, when Dee’s responses seem canned, lame, or hurriedly created, the effects can be entirely the opposite.

To use a fictitious example: Let’s say that, on Monday morning, I ask Dee to give me her favorite sex positions by 8am on Friday. From that point forward I’ll spend the intervening time awaiting and anticipating her response, wondering what will end up on the list. Based on past performance, one of two things will then occur…

Option one: Dee seems to be into the activity. Her behavior is more sexual, a little more energetic. There’s an extra hop in her step. Her mind is clearly working – on Monday night she rolled over in bed to make notes, little reminders of things she wants to add to that list. On Tuesday, she emails me links to websites describing/illustrating 1001 possible positions. By Wednesday, I’ve already got my response, which begins with: 1. I like it when you climb on top of me, use your weight to pin me in place, and then pound it into me while telling me how much you like fucking me…

You can see why I’d be playing the game. And very turned on.

Option two: Dee doesn’t seem interested in the activity. It’s already Wednesday, and she hasn’t so much as mentioned it, and there’s no pepped up sexuality or energy. I remind her of the obligation (which I hate doing), and am told she’s noodling on it, but I can already tell this one isn’t going to be all that fun for me. At 7:56am Friday morning, a list appears in my email inbox that says: 1. Missionary. 2. Doggie. 3. Me on top...

You can see how I’d be disappointed. Somewhat frustrated. Not aroused.

So, I just keep trying. But it’s hit-or-miss.

Now… TMI!

1. Which traits from your parents do you see in yourself?

Too many of them. And I really don’t want to live my Dad’s life.

2. Which traits from you/your partner do you see in your children (if you don't have kids, which would you like to see)?

There are far too many to list here. But at least she got mostly the good ones. There are some outliers there however, and I haven’t the faintest clue where those came from.

3. How did you get the birds-and-bees talk?

My dad sat down with me and, in a very uncomfortable manner, gave me what amounted to the Christian-school-science-teacher lecture (which he was) on how things are supposed to work, sticking to the anatomical and physical facts: Excitement causes erection via blood flow and vascular constriction. Penis goes in there. Sperm and egg meet, and there’s a baby. Wait for marriage. I learned more from the rumors and dirty jokes I heard at school.

4. What was your favorite childhood book?

In the third grade or so it was the Hardy Boys series. Before that… Where the Wild Things Are, maybe?

5. What is your favorite piece of erotic literature?

Don’t have one. I’ve read very little erotica, and none of it has impressed me much.

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a child?

Invest everything you can scrape together in MircoSoft stock, sell it all when you turn 30, and retire!

Double Bonus: If your life were a book or movie, what would the title be?

Much Ado About Nothing.

Incompatibility

On Friday, Dee wrote: A couple of things never cease to amaze me… That for as incredibly happy as we are, we are so truly incompatible.

This never ceases to amaze me, either: you name it, we’re opposites (or, at least, incompatible). I like Seattle; She likes Arizona. She likes country music; I like NPR. She’s loves dancing and swimming and naps; I don’t. I like long road trips (sans naps!) and household things (cooking and cleaning, generally) and creative things (like writing and creating lists and dare games…); She doesn’t. She’s social; I’m not. I like football (and other sports, too); she thinks sports are just plain dumb. I like debating politics, sports, and news; she doesn’t. She’s cheerful (mostly); I’m moody. She likes chic-flicks; I like psychological thrillers. I’m an early riser; she’s not. I like photos of landscapes and scenery; she likes photos of people. Not to mention the sexual compatibility issues I’ve detailed in previous posts!

I can’t figure out why it works. All I know is, I’m glad it does work. I don't actually know any other couple that has things as good as we do.

Still, recognizing this mountain of discrepancies plays a significant role in my underlying conviction that, one day, Dee is going to either (a) wake up and realize I’m not the guy she needs to be truly happy; or (b) find someone that better matches her interests/desires/etc., either by pure happenstance, or through purposeful interaction. I definitely don’t want that to happen, and, in fact, live in fear of that day.

This is almost certainly the main ingredient in my resistance to being open to any exploration that involves another guy. I don’t think it’s jealousy, or possessiveness, but a self-esteem problem of some kind. I mean… there are obviously better matches out there for her… and if Dee thinks she’s happy now…!!! She’s a strong, modern, empowered woman who would find the idea of staying with me when greater happiness was clearly obtainable to be both irresponsible and reprehensible. If I don’t see myself as the true top of her choice ladder, I’d be out of my mind to raise the chances she meets that better match, wouldn't I?

I’m mystified as to why Dee doesn’t have similar worries… after all, her situation is just the same as mine. How is it possible that she isn’t concerned I’ll meet a red-headed, green-eyed gal who is addicted to NPR and can argue the nuances of the NFL Draft with conviction? Someone who doesn’t want to adopt foster kids and stray dogs? Someone who doesn’t distribute shoes and bags throughout the house for me to trip over, and can stay awake in the car?

I’m not complaining about any that (please don’t think so!)… I’m trying to demonstrate how I would view things from Dee’s side. I focus on the differences between us, from the most minor and insignificant to the most glaring and important, and clearly see how much more satisfying, happy, and stress-free Dee would discover her life can be if she ever stumbled upon that better match. And then I worry not about if that will happen… but when it will.

You’d think I was an unhappy person, but I’m not. Even though I can’t figure out why what we have works, I’m glad it does work, and I hope it keeps working for a good long time. I think it will work, and I also believe Dee is happy, and not going anywhere (just as her ability to doze off in a car, mid-sentence, mid-conversation, drives me nuts, but not in a way that has me miserably plotting divorce!). But none of these things will stop me from thinking the way I think. It’s just part of my nature.

Reaction

A few direct reactions to Dee’s latest post:

1. I do know Dee, and realize that her participation in this blog (or lack of) isn’t an indication of her horniness, but I couldn’t come up with a good way to express that fact… that I’m aware my emotional reaction to her non-responsiveness differs from what I know to be true, but don’t have much of an idea what to do about it. This is compounded by the fact that the short-quick email thing DID bring about participation… in every sense of the word. For a few weeks there, we were completely immersed in sexual energy. So I remain convinced that if I can somehow create that same level of anticipation / excitement / passion / participation again, it’ll be worth all the failed efforts. Sometimes I fall into frustration for a while, but I really do always rebound from it – and I give Dee tons of credit for enduring my insanity.

2. We’re different people, and share surprisingly little common ground when it comes to things that’ll get us both fired up at the same time. The short-quick email thing worked – for both of us – but there’s no way that could have been sustained much longer than it was. This is why I’ve persisted in trying different things: because when something works… it REALLY works. I have no problem with Dee telling me ‘this isn’t doing it for me,’ but I do get frustrated when she tells me ‘I WANT to do this, but I don’t have the time right now (or I’m not creative enough, or I just need you to remind me every so often, or a number of other things),’ and then later, after the annoyance has built enough, finally admits that the current idea isn’t fun for her.

3. Dee says she hates obligations (as do I), but she was also a proponent of codifying many of the obligations in our rules. She has also said that she needs to be seduced, and also that I should just get over it and take her, and that I should provide subtle guidance as to what I’d like, and that I should make her do what I want. She also likes to be on top, and in control of things. This is the tightrope I struggle with sometimes, because all these are true, and finding the middle ground (and work them lurking between (in a way that also meets my own peculiarities) isn’t easy. I think I do fairly well in that arena most of the time, but when I think I’m failing in it, I tend to give up quickly and allow my sexual self-esteem to tumble.

4. There was no cock stroking (I’m pretty sure I would have noticed that) and there was no begging to be fucked, either. There was cuddling and nakedness, but those two things are part of the normal bedtime routine. That being said, I know that the rule (as Dee has expressed to me) is “if I touch you, or cuddle up, or anything of the sort, it means I’m up for it!” As admitted, I wasn’t feeling sexual at all at that time, and (as I understood the rule), having been cuddled up to, it was then up to me to decide whether or not to make a move. But, as I also said, after going the whole day without feeling even a hint of horniness, it’s hard for me to flip a switch and suddenly be in the mood! Of course, whenever this happens, I usually end up regretting it later on, when I am in the mood, and kick myself for having let the opportunity slip away.

5. I think the sexiest thing Dee has ever done, the most erotic thing she’s ever done, and the most adventurous thing she’s ever done are all one and the same: the collection of blowjobs she gave in the first year or so of our relationship. I have no idea what her deal was that first year, but the blowjobs kept coming at the oddest times: she’d pull open my pants without even a hint of foreplay or warning in my parent’s basement (with them upstairs!), in the backseat of the car while my friend was driving, in my bedroom while I was on the phone with someone…

6. I’ll be posting more on related topics that this has brought to mind throughout the week. But for now, I'm going to log off and clean the house up a bit in preparation for Dee's return tomorrow for Mother's Day!

Too late...

Well, I had planned to post today. Really, I did. But since I have been obviously and overtly rebuffed several times in the past two weeks, I wasn't sure what I could say. I have found that saying nothing is not good (frankly, as soon as I saw that DH had posted, I knew what it would say), but worse is when I get pissed off and say things I can't take back, especially since they are in writing.

A couple of things never cease to amaze me:

1. That after being together for over 20 years, DH thinks he knows me, but then writes stuff that shows me he really doesn't. To suggest that my horniness can be measured by my participation in a blog is insane. To measure my annoyance by my participation in a blog is much more likely. I think about sex often, want it daily (at one time or another), and even put myself out there and tell DH I want it even though I KNOW I'm going to get the eyeroll (which is oh so flattering). But to me, blogging is not about sex or arousal. That said, I do know that reading words makes a connection with DH that my speaking doesn't create. And for that, I am sorry that I always put off blogging along with the rest of my "really should do but am clueless where to start" items.

2. That for as incredibly happy as we are, we are so truly incompatible. DH spends hours and hours writing books of questions, asking questions, asking for lists, asking for posts, creating games, and making lists of things to do. I hate answering questions, doing things because I have to, thinking up questions, trying to find new and creative ways of turning him on. The "repayment" started out as cute and novel and fun, and we had sex for 9 days because of it. Great! Then I got busy, forgot a day, and had to try to come up with 10 MORE ways of turning him on. Which is not as easy as it sounds. Everything I like, he hates. I have asked for a list, but never received one. But he gives me all kinds of other lists.

3. That for as incompatible as we are, we are the same in a lot of ways. We both hate obligations. And we hate when fun things get turned into obligations. Don't give DH a recipe or a script, because he will turn off instantly. While I prefer some direction, I don't like being told what to do either. And when you start over-directing, anything fun starts to be an obligation. And the more I get nagged and guilted into doing something, the less turned on it will ever make me.

Not sure where all this is going, but I find it interesting that a naked woman writhing next to him, kissing and stroking his cock and begging him to fuck her does not get him in a receptive mood, but posting a list will.

Speaking of which:

Questions for Dee: Accessories Edition

1. Describe your first experience with a sex toy.

One of my very first lovers came up with the brilliant idea to try a candle and that theme was repeated a couple of times, as well as other everyday household objects. Quite frankly, it did nothing for me, but my boyfriends should were excited about trying something new. My first actual sex toy was a vibrator purchased just a few years and ago and it was, um, eye-opening.

2. What was the first sex toy or accessory you ever bought?

I hosted a Passion Party where a wide variety of sex toys and accessory were passed around for inspection. I purchased a couple and the first I tried was a purple rabbit vibrator. I had not idea I could come that fast. Still one of my favorites...I should really make more use of that drawer of fun!

3. What was the strangest or most inventive thing you ever used as a sexual accessory?

We did use a cucumber once, which I thought was strange and inventive at the time, and now I know that it's really commonplace.

4. Describe the first sexy lingerie you owned.

I've always liked pretty lingerie! I remember I had a black tulle nighty with a big emerald green bow across the boobs. I loved that thing and it inspired me to get boudoir pictures taken in it. I have never been a stick figure, always having big breasts, wide hips, and ample curves. But I loved having my pictures taken. I felt so beautiful. My boyfriend at the time was completely pissed that I had them taken by a male photography, so I never purchased them. I kick myself to this day for not buying them for myself.

5. What is your favorite sexual accessory?

My husband!! Yum!

Bonus Question: If money were no object, what is the one sexual accessory you would buy right now?

If money were no object, probably one of those wedge set ups (darn it, can't remember the name now). But there's a whole system for new positions. To me, that's one of the joys of sex, just varying the angle a bit can give you a whole new sensation.

Questions for Dee: The Most-est Edition

1. What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever done in a sexual situation?

I can't say...it's too embarrassing! But the usual passing air from inapproriate areas at inopportune times comes to mind.

2. What is the most erotic thing you have ever done?

I think the most erotic thing I have ever done is....darn. I can't think of a single thing. I was going to say taking lap dance lessons but since I am too embarrassed to actually give a lap dance to my husband, that falls short. Though actually WATCHING a lap dance performed sure makes my moves less embarrassing...or more!

3. What is the sexiest thing you have ever done?

I think DH would say the sexiest thing I have ever done was to go to a strip club with him and buy him a lap dance. I would say the sexiest thing I have ever done is arrange for date nights.


4. What is the wildest thing you have ever done (sexually)?

Giving DH a blowjob in the backseat of a car with his best friend driving!

5. What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done (sexually)?

Going to a swingers club.

Bonus Question: What is the craziest or most adventurous thing (sexually speaking) you would be willing to do right now (in the next 24 hours) if your partner asked you to? Have a threesome!

Questions for Dee: The Audio Edition

1. Name the sexiest song you can think of.

Most of Prince's music is sexy to me, as is some of Madonna's. I will say Erotic City at the moment though.

2. Name the sexiest word you can think of.

Fuck. Said in a whisper.

3. Name the sexiest sound (nonverbal) that you can think of.

The sound of breathing that DH makes when he stops smiling and really gets serious. Also the sexiest look he has.

4. What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever said in a sexual situation?

Um, hey. It's up a little farther...

5. What is the most erotic thing anyone has ever said to you?

My name. When DH says my name, I almost come on cue.

Bonus Question: If a complete stranger were to walk up to you and whisper something sexual in your ear, what do you hope they would say?

You look like you would be a lot of fun in bed...can I find out?

Would your response differ based on gender (male vs. female)? Probably not.

Location (your office vs. a strip club)? Probably not, but the timing might be different!

Low Tide

It’s been over two weeks since Dee last posted, and I haven’t posted much, either. I’m not sure she’s noticed the reduction – she hasn’t commented on it, at least – but my post-less-ness reflects the fact that I’m feeling less sexual than usual (and I wasn’t a fire-breathing dragon to begin with). Lately, I’ve been uninspired and lackadaisically un-horny. When I’ve tried to find something to say here, or come up with an idea for my other blog, I’ve run into a brick wall. Even when I try to think about sex, I get bored and my mind wanders off somewhere else. Several times this past week, Dee has subtly (or not so subtly) ‘suggested’ I make a move, but I lack the passion to take the suggestion to heart.

I measure Dee’s ”horniness,” in part, by her participation in this blog (and other electronic interactions, like email) because my participations reflect the level of interest I have. When in my current state, I don’t post, and my emails to Dee merely meet the ‘minimum requirements’ (so to speak). When I’m feeling especially sexual, I suspect that’s easy to recognize, too (especially for Dee, reading my email).

I need to be engaged during the day, I guess. This is why the back-and-forth emails we exchanged a year ago worked so well – the constant flow, the quick responses, and Dee’s obvious enthusiasm, enjoyment, and arousal, all played a part in revving up my interest. Since then, we’ve tried other ideas – the dare game, my giving her questions to answer here – but those haven’t worked. One problem is we’re different people, with incompatible needs. When I participate in such things, I don’t want to beg, or cajole, or remind… and Dee needs someone who will do those things. I don’t want to wait for results, and Dee likes to noodle until she’s done noodling. I need to sense the activity is exciting or arousing to Dee, and, when noodling, Dee never speaks of the topic or shows enthusiasm… it’s as though she’s forgotten about the notion entirely.

These differences give me a sense I’m coercing Dee’s participation, and, for me, begging, coercion, and waiting are all turn-offs. Still, I’ve tried all these in the hopes of re-capturing the moments of engagement we had a while back, but eventually I always start wondering if she’s even interested in the idea at all. I get annoyed, and when whatever mood is left fades away, I let it go willingly, and give up.

Of course, Dee is in the same boat – she must constantly remind me to fulfill my obligations. Maybe she feels the same way I do, or maybe she doesn’t. I really don’t know, but I doubt she likes playing the pestering-prompting-begging role any more than I do… she rarely does any reminding of her own. She has to deal with my impatience and annoyance, too, and this creates a bit of a bad cycle: the more annoyed and moodless I become, the more annoyed she is with me, and the less responsive she becomes… leading me to be even become even less engaged…

So we are where we are: both behind on our obligations (me more so than her). The dare game fizzled. Our email exchanges are brief, infrequent, and nonsexual. Dee hasn’t re-started her repayment plan, and is far overdue on three sets of questions she was to post here. I have no desire to remind her of these things, or to obtain results by doing so (if anything is more of a turn-off than waiting and pleading, it’s feeling like she’s only responding because I’m pestering her!), and have temporarily given up making such efforts. And I’m feeling as horny as a pile of sand.

To get back into a more receptive mood, I’m going to start posting again. I’ll post here, and more often again hereafter. I’ll do the Friday Fill-In thing on my other blog, and, starting Monday, I’ll post my own versions of the same lists Dee has responded to, as well. It’s a simple, easy thing to do, and doesn’t require much in the way of creativity or thinking… but maybe it’ll help get me back into a more interested frame of mind.

TMI

1. Have you ever bought a membership to a porn site? If yes, what is the most recent one and did you like it?

Never have. Probably never will, either – I’m too cheap to spend money on memberships, and even if I were tempted to do so, I wouldn’t be willing to pay $19.95 a month (or whatever it is) when any content I’d be interested in can be found online for free.

2. Would you rather watch a erotic/porn movie, read a story, or listen to an audio? Why?

Assuming that we’re talking about doing so for reasons of arousal… I’d watch the movie. Audio turns me on to a certain degree, but it has to be the right audio, and I generally have to be in the mood already. Reading something that’s supposed to be arousing doesn’t usually do much for me. The movie would have to fit my tastes – it would have to be a decent one, not corny, and be of subject matter which interests me – but if it fit the necessary criteria, that would be the most effective of the three options.

3. If you have a significant other what do you do for each other to get in the mood? If you don't what would you kind of thing could a future potential long term partner do to get you in the mood?

I can’t answer this one adequately and truthfully without taking up paragraphs and paragraphs, so I’ll let it be.

4. When it comes to sex, how much do you talk about it with others? How comfortable are you talking about sex?

How much: With the exception of this blog and a few cryptic references to friends, I talk about sex with one but Dee. With her, I would have to say I talk about sex infrequently or very little, and when we talk, it is pretty much always a serious conversation, never whimsical or lighthearted.

How comfortable: This is a tough one to answer, really. I would say I feel comfortable talking about sex, but I often find it difficult to convert the thoughts, feelings, emotions, or opinions I am trying to express accurately into language, and tend to cautiously parse my words to avoid saying ‘the wrong thing,’ so I suspect I usually appear to be far more hesitant and uncomfortable than I actually feel.

5. What are the last 5 things you search for on Google (or another search engine)?

Five individual names, for business purposes.

Bonus: Have you ever had a fantasy that you were ashamed of?

That I am (or was) ashamed of? No.

Just Some Stuff

1. Dee is leaving me alone for the weekend. Between the yard work, errands, and daughter related obligations, I won’t have a lot of time to devote to the enterprise, but I may try to knock one thing off Dee’s list of suggestions…

2. After a busy streak, and paying no attention at all to my Google Reader for a while now, yesterday I found myself with a little time to get caught up on some of them, at least. In all honesty, I skimmed over some of them, marked everything as “read,” and started over with skimming over all of the new stuff posted today. Sometimes these things happen.

3. Along the way I discovered one blog (Views from the Back Row) somehow never made it into my Reader, and thus I haven’t been following at all. Now it’s in there. And through that, I saw for the first time today the “Friday Fill-in.” Seems odd that I haven’t seen that before, but oh well. I may try doing that next Friday.

4. I hope I’m doing these links right. I’m making it up as I go here.

5. My creativity and sexual energy have got to be nearing all-time lows here (and they’ve never been all that high to begin with). I have no idea why, but I wish I had some clue how to snap out of it. I’ve been feeling especially lame when it comes to my other blog. If it weren’t for Dee’s requested lists, I can honestly say I wouldn’t have posted there in at least a couple weeks now.

6. Maybe I’ll hang out a shingle here… any suggestions for further lists are welcome.

7. I’ve been thinking about something Hubman said to Dee and I (can’t remember if it was in a comment or an email) – that single women looking for a couple are rare. I’m not sure I agree with that. I don’t think they’re that unique at all… they just can’t be found by specifically seeking them out. You could split hairs here and say that, yes, single women LOOKING for couples are rare, but I think single women OPEN to the idea far less rare. You just have to already know them. I can recall a fair number of women I once worked with which I now recognize – in hindsight – would be (or, would have been, at the time) open to the idea if I’d either had half a clue, been in the position I now find myself in, or now had an equivalent “relationship” (meaning I was still working with them, flirting with them, etc.) with similar women. The trouble is, I woke up one day in my mid-thirties and suddenly found myself in the market, but I no longer know anyone like that… and don’t have many avenues to establish new connections in that vein. THAT’S how it becomes damn near impossible to find someone!

8. Of course, I could be wrong about that. It’s just a theory I’m pondering.

TMI

1. Have you ever had angry sex?

Honestly, I don’t remember, but I don’t think so. I think of ‘angry sex’ as having sex while royally pissed off (usually at the other person) and venting that anger on him/her in a way that alters your sexual behavior in the direction of the rougher and more venomous. Taking that definition into consideration, I think there may have been a time or two when I was mildly miffed, but I can’t recall ever being pissed off to the point where it actually altered my sexual character. I imagine it could be fun, but for me to get pissed off enough to change my sexual character, and actually have sex while in that state… I just don’t see that happening. First, I don’t think that could happen with Dee (and if it did, I don’t think it would be a good thing for our relationship, because, in all honesty, I would have to be REALLY pissed), and, secondly, I don’t imagine such a thing would happen with anyone else, either.

2. Pity sex?

No. At least not that I know of. Of course, that doesn’t eliminate the possibility that I was on the receiving end, and just wasn’t aware of it. I imagine that is entirely possible.

3. "Oh well, I might as well" sex?

Yes. Once. See the bonus question below.

4. One-of-you-knew-it-was-goodbye-and-the-other-didn't sex?

Not that I know of, but I have been sent packing shortly afterwards on several occasions (more often than not after the first encounter), so it might have been goodbye sex, or pity sex, or oh-my-God-this-is-boring-I’ve-got-to-dump-him sex.

5. Don't-remember-having-it sex?

No. Though I suppose there’s the argument that my answer would still be "no" if I had, since I wouldn’t remember it. But seriously, no. I’ve passed out a couple of times in my life, but I’ve always woken up with my pants on.

6. Regret-it-afterward sex?

Yes. See the bonus question below.

7. Can't-remember-his/her-name sex?

No. I’ve had too few partners not to remember them all.

8. Never-knew-his/her-name sex?

No. I don’t move in that fast. I’m more likely to know her grandmother’s maiden name before than I am to not know her name after.

Bonus: What was the worst single sexual experience of your life?

I slept with my boss once – a friend I really felt no actual attraction to. A group from work went over to her place just ot socialize, and I had a good bit to drink, so she offered to let me sleep on the couch. The others left, and when I was the only one left, she made a move on me. For the first and only time I can remember, I actually thought “why not?... what the hell?” Between the fatigue, the alcohol, and the fact that she was, in truth, a completely uninteresting partner, I nearly fell asleep in the middle of things. In the end, I actually faked an orgasm (the only time I’ve done so), and I got up and left as soon as I could. We hardly spoke again after that.

Men, and me.

I have no idea why I don’t fit the stereotype.

The other day I was talking to a friend on the phone… he was in his car heading home after a business dinner, blasting down the road at breakneck speed because (for a variety of understandable reasons) he and his wife hadn’t done it in almost three weeks, and (for other understandable reasons) probably wouldn’t get the chance to do it again for another week or two. He jokingly told me that, after three weeks, he was starting to think about having an affair, then confided: She actually told me tonight was the night. She’s never said that before. Usually I have to convince her.

I thought: Jeez, Dee thinks every night is the night. I’m the one that needs convincing.

In movies and on television, the stereotype abounds. Men can’t get enough of woman: they’re sidetracked by the mere sight of a beautiful woman, and, whether married or no, get themselves into all manner of difficulty over them. They can’t help but stare, even when their wives kick their ass for it. Men are horny little bastards who cheat, lie, and make fools of themselves. They have one-night stands at every opportunity, and seek to get laid with the desperation of a heroin addict searching for a fix. Fidelity in marriage is a struggle.

So, is the stereotype all wrong… or is there something wrong with me?

I seriously doubt it’s the former. I know (and have known) a lot of guys, and there is something to the stereotype. I’ve known guys who cheat on their wives, and guys who would bullshit God himself if they thought they’d get laid. I’ve known guys who have done some really stupid things just to get a girl to look at them. But I’ve never met a guy who admits he’s turned down an invitation for sex. I’ve never heard a guy say Man… my wife was all over me last night, but I was just too damn tired. Other than me, that is.

I know a few married men who are happy with the status quo, but even they aren’t interested in turning down an offer, and most of them still have to do some “convincing. Most of the married men I know, however, are constantly complaining about how nice it’d be to get it more often… even the ones that are happy with the status quo.

Meanwhile, my wife has practically begged me to throw her down on the bed (or sofa, or car hood, or…) and have at it whenever I want – but I’ve never thrown down… not even once. She’s asked me to get off my ass and find a girlfriend… someone we can both play with (most guys would jump all over this – “Quick! Before she changes her mind!” – right?) – but I’ve been completely unsupportive of the idea. Not against it, just ambivalent... or maybe just squirrelly.

Years ago, in the movie The Firm, Tom Cruise’s character is blackmailed when the firm sets him up for a one-night stand while on a business trip. If it had been me in this movie, it would’ve devolved into a comedy… a hilarious story devoted to the firm’s increasingly desperate attempts to get me to even notice the woman, let alone sleep with her. A chance meeting on a beach turning into a blackmail opportunity?… not a chance. At the end of my movie, after leaving naked women in my hotel room without success and who knows what other inventive capers, the partners would throw themselves off the roof in frustration.

In some ways, I’m like a guy with a winning lottery ticket, afraid to cash it in because I’m convinced I’ve got to be reading the numbers wrong. In other ways, I just don’t feel the need to turn it in, like a guy who is already perfectly happy with what he’s got: yeah, I know, I should cash it in… I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

But I still have no idea why I don’t fit the stereotype.

Friday!

1. Through Google Reader, I subscribe to a number of blogs that are nothing but posted pictures. This week I decided that, each day, I would email Dee the two photos (and ONLY two) posted that day that I found most erotic, arousing, or sexy. I can already see there will be two types of days… the days when I’ll be forced to pick the two best out of a bad lot, and the days when I’ll have to struggle to choose between any number of good ones.

2. Dee has to start over on her “repayment” plan again after not making any offers yesterday. I’m not sure her strategy was sound since she’ll be gone overnight tonight, and the opportunity for any offer at all was therefore limited and likely to be missed today anyways (though she did suggest a quickie in the car in the parking lot of the CHURCH where the sleepover is being held… which is a little over the top for me, I’m afraid to say).

3. She’s threatening to renegotiate anyways, because I’ve turned down her last two offers. The first I’d qualify as a legitimate offer, but the second was just an offer of a backrub with the innuendo of “seeing where it leads” (which, in my case, leads nowhere… a backrub relaxes me and puts me to sleep, guaranteeing it won’t lead anywhere at all). Since I was already well on my way, already…

4. Admittedly, I haven’t been feeling particularly randy lately. I think it’s the sun and the longer days. In December, we’d come home from work in the dark, but now I got to bed and lay there thinking about all the things I should have done with the nice day, and how I wasted a good couple hours… it's distracting, and not particularly rousing.

5. On the positive side, I’m still working on the to-do list, and I’ve taken a stab at writing an ad… but I’m not having much success in the latter. Do I write it as being from both of us? From me? What should I say?

6. I’m going to spend a couple hours on the computer tonight, and pay attention to what’s out there. Maybe I’ll be able to answer a couple of those questions, at least. :)

Clarification first, then on to other things

1. After Wednesday’s post, Dee pointed out to me that I’d painted her with the jealousy brush when she has done nothing to deserve it (which is absolutely true), that I’d misinterpreted what she’d meant to say (also true). I apologized immediately, and admit that I did misinterpret. And without belaboring the point further (more than I already have, at any rate), I honestly don’t believe that Dee is jealous, and apologize for any intimation in my post that might suggest otherwise.

2. I’ve been putting together a list of little things to do just for fun… a checklist of simple things like blowing bubbles or catching snowflakes on your tongue. My idea was to give it to Dee, and see how many of them she can check off over the course of a year – just to add a little extra fun to her day/week/month/year. I actually had a list of about four hundred of these things, but I pared it down to one page with some of my faves (or those I thought would be Dee’s faves) on it. I was going to do an adult one of these, as well, but most of the ideas I found paralleled with dares I still have, or lists I can give her, or that kind of thing, so I don’t know if that’ll be a workable thing.

3. Seriously… one of these days I’m going to get us back on the dare thing. And start doing a better job of meeting my obligations under the rules. Poor Dee… it must really suck being married to me. :(

4. I’ve been working on writing up an ad, too, but the trouble is, I have no idea what works. Shorter? Longer? Detailed? Whimsical?

5. Having a bit of free time at work is a good thing!

6. I’ll have a couple hours to myself tomorrow night, so I’ll try to check out some of those websites Dee referred to in more detail. Maybe we should consider a pay site, as well. The question would be… which one is best? If anyone out there reading this has any suggestions…

The Firsts Edition

1. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

That would be Jason. I was in 3rd grade and I walked him home from school. I kissed him on his front porch after telling him he had beautiful eyes.

2. Who was your first celebrity crush?

I will say George Michaels. My best friend and I wrote a letter to him when we were in jr. high. We giggled every time we saw his videos.

3. Describe your first sexual fantasy.

Don't really have them.

4. What was your first “type.” (athlete/nerd/etc.).

That would have to be stoner. I gravitated towards the guys in leather who listened to heavy metal and smoked.

5. Who was the first person you fell in love with?

I think that was Chad, the neighborhood boy I messed around with, and eventually he was the one to "officially" pop my cherry. I can still remember dancing with him to Careless Whispers in the darkened hallway outside my bedroom and how my heart felt like it would burst. He was surprisingly romantic and was quite the kisser. I was always second fiddle to his old girlfriend though and whenever she wanted him back, he would drop me like a hot potato. Luv sucks.

Bonus Question: Have you ever had a one-night stand? Describe the first time you had one.

It was Halloween night and I must have been 13 or 14. We walked to a friends house (none of us were old enough to drive) and "hung out" with the older brothers of my friend's friend. We all ended up pairing up and I slept with the guy I was with and I don't even remember his name. I know I knew it at the time. I think this was my one and only one night stand, because while I did sleep with a couple of guys only a couple of times, it WAS more than once.

Hmmm.

For the first time in a while, I’ve had little to do at work, so I’ve re-read Dee’s recent posts and let my mind wander about both the past and future. Reading between the lines of Dee’s list of things she wants me to do (spend some time on Ashley Madison, et al, create a profile, respond to some ads, connect with someone that wants to pursue a threesome, and meet them in preparation for introducing Dee) and numerous other comments she’s posted or said in the past, I sometimes think she wishes I’d get off my ass and get proactive about pursuing other woman -- that she’d be happier if I a touch of the womanizer in me.

I can’t get on any of those adult websites at work, but I thought I might try my hand at writing an ad or two for later use sometime this afternoon. Then, earlier today, I mentioned to Dee (via email) that a co-worker stopped by and commented on how my weight loss was starting to show (positively). Dee’s response was (paraphrasing) ‘isn’t she the one you think is cute?’ (it wasn’t), followed by a one-word commentary… “Hmmm.”

I assumed that “hmmm” indicated (in thought) the implicit and unstated ‘I’m not sure I like the thought of this,’ but rather than jump to conclusions, I asked what the “hmmm” meant. Dee’s response: “the Hmmm was wondering how much you are flirting at work. I know, I know.” -- again, a response that, to me, signaled hidden discomfort with the very idea I might interact with another woman.

Keeping in mind that I’m stuck living life in prevent mode – carefully avoiding, whenever possible, any act that might cause discord in our relationship -- you can see why I’m unable to bring myself to action… because, even now, I sense mixed messages. On the one hand, Dee makes cracks about me getting a girlfriend, and spends evenings online looking at ads for potential partners. She suggests I find a girl and meet her for coffee prior to introducing them to each other. She gets annoyed when I fail to notice an attractive woman in our midst.

On the other hand, we had a bad row over whether to pursue a threesome, or another couple, and another regarding what comprised a potential female partner (at one time Dee insisted she must be older and comparably less attractive), based in part on Dee’s concern that I might find another woman more desirable… not to mention that the mere thought of my being flirtatious at work being worthy of a ‘hmmm.’ These things, and others, have told me I’m not as free to act as her words indicate.

I can fully understand these sentiments, of course. I’ve been honest with her from the get-go that I’m uncomfortable with the idea of her with another guy. In the self-esteem department, I think I’m really smart, a great father, etc. I think highly of myself in many areas, but in terms of this particular topic, I view myself as being in the below-average. Still, I’ve tried very hard not to send mixed messages … I’ve never said “go get a boyfriend… but… uh… wait… no… Yes!... wait… NO!” (even though I sometimes think that way).

I often suspect that Dee’s urgings are simply words she’s comfortable uttering because she is confident I’ll never actually act. I think if I ever did act on them, our relationship would quickly tumble into a bad patch. And so, my response to her encouragements is a (now stereotypical) eye rolling, “uh-huh… yeah.”

A couple days ago Dee shared with me the fact she’s been exchanging emails with a woman she’d met on an adult site – a woman who wanted to hang out with her and have some fun, and would, in addition, be open to allowing my participation now and then. The revelation came when Dee sought my advice on how to respond after this woman had sent her x-rated self-portraits.

It occurred to me to wonder what Dee’s reaction would have been if the situation were reversed… if I’d told her I’d been chatting with another woman, and she was interested in hanging out with me, and was also open to the idea of a threesome, and had sent me nude photos of herself.

Of course, I didn’t ask. I suspect Dee’s first response would have been to point out that the scenario isn’t the same – for it to be equal, I would have to be exchanging emails/photos with another guy. And I would contest that this is just her splitting hairs in order to justify her unfair belief that we should each live by a different set of rules, and three days of two stubborn and immovable forces butting heads would begin, with both of us behaving somewhat unfairly.

But I’m pretty sure it’d being with some relative of “Hmmm.”