A Response in Three Parts (Part 1)

In response to Dee’s most recent post, I’d like to break it up into a few paragraphs, and directly address several of them, one at a time. I’ve changed the order of the respective paragraphs (that is, I’ve responded to them out of their original order) to better fit my thought-flow, but I don’t think that the order, in this case, makes a contextual difference. Here are the first two:

1. Dee wrote: I can honestly say my reticence to share was less about being perceived as abnormal and more about the worry that it would come back to bite me in the ass. And sure enough, I was right. For instance, I tell the world that I would fuck a movie star in a heartbeat, and he says that he's rather just be with me.

I simply stated a fact: I would rather just be with Dee. And she already KNOWS this… just as she typed in this same post: I have always been the abnormal one. The one willing, and wanting, to try new things. To push the boundaries. And it has always been a source of contention. It was not meant to be an ass-biting comment, though it could be interpreted as such by a jaded spouse (ok… that WAS kind of an ass-biting comment, and I apologize). This difference between our viewpoints, however, clearly demonstrates the fundamental differences in our upbringing regarding sex: My dad gave me the save-it-until-marriage speech (see my TMI post of 2-10-09), her stepfather gave her a bag with 50 condoms in it (even knowing she was on the pill) and sent her off to visit me in my college dorm.

There’s no doubt that this difference is the true “source of contention” Dee is referring to.

2. Dee wrote: After many tears, much screaming, and several hours of that awful talking when you just say the same things over and over, it came out. He could do things to her he couldn't do to me. Wow. It was at that moment that I knew he had it in him. He could be a sadistic bastard if he wanted to be.

Of course, there are differences between any two relationships under comparison, and every relationship has it’s good points and bad points (by comparison or otherwise), but there’s no sense in parsing (or even discussing) the details. However, I want to make a few points in response to this paragraph:

First, there has never been any sadistic qualities in any relationship I’ve had. In truth, I’ve always been the “nice guy,” the “good friend.” This obviously plays into why I have difficulty playing the aggressive or assertive role, too. When I’ve tried to be more so, it always feels rather fake and false to me. Perhaps that alone is enough to explain why my sexual history is so limited, so conservative. Maybe the stereotype is true, and women really do most desire men who have a streak of the asshole in them. But the idea that I could be a ‘sadistic bastard’ if I wanted to be is probably very, very wrong.

Second, it is important to note that, for some inexplicable reason (I honestly have no idea why), for the majority of our relationship neither Dee nor I were really able to talk openly with the other. If I had to guess, I would say it was a combination of my inexperience and conservative always-treat-women-respectfully-and-NEVER-do-anything-inappropriate upbringing and whatever viewpoints Dee brought into our relationship. This is not a feeling that was unique to me, either. At that time, Dee, too, found allure in other guys who were more open, more exploratory, more daring, and with whom she was more comfortable openly communicating.

All I know is, at the time in which these events transpired, I didn’t believe it was either allowed or proper to admit to Dee that I really liked blowjobs, and wanted to try fucking her in the ass.

In truth, the only allure “she” (this unnamed mistake from my past) presented, the thing that I couldn’t do with Dee (at that time), was talking to her about sexual topics… though even that statement is a deceptive “lie” – the communication to which I refer never went beyond “I like blowjobs, and want to try anal,” and her backdoor was off limits because that idea was “disgusting.”

And, for whatever it’s worth, I can honestly say I’m oh so VERY glad that our communication status has changed so dramatically.