The Sexual To Do List

I have a lot I’d like to accomplish, but there’s very little on my “actually need to do” list, and the reason is simple: I like to get things done and out of the way. If something is on my “need to do” list, I like to get it done now rather than later. For example, I’d like to organize the garage, but it’s doing the dishes after dinner that gets filed under “need to do.” When we wrap up dinner at 6pm, I get the dishes done by 6:15. Poof. Done. Out of the way.

In the sexual arena, I often operate under the same principals. When it comes to sexual adventures, I would prefer it if Dee would give me a list of specific events – a list of individual items – to put on my “need to do” list.

Dee isn’t normally that type of person – in our relationship she rarely tells me “this is what I want, now make it happen” – but when she does move something from my “like to accomplish list” to my “need to do” list, I usually get around to it, or at least I start looking for a way to create the opportunity. When Dee said “I want us to go to the Dollar Store, where we split up, and each of us has to pick out three things to use (sexually)… now make it happen,” we ended up on a shopping spree. When Dee said “I want to do an adult weekend in Vegas, and go to a strip club… now make it happen,” we ended up going (admittedly that took a while).

Usually, however, Dee tends to add things to me “accomplish” list (or gently remind me what is already on the “accomplish” list), without suggesting any type of change in their priority. And of course, I took (and continue to take) no action whatsoever with regards to these items. They’re not on my to do list.

I have asked Dee to provide me with such a “to do” list, but the results have been confusing. Even when she does try to move things from the “accomplish” to “to do” column, I’m given instructions instead of a list. Dee doesn’t say “I want you do to the dishes… make it happen,” but rather tells me “I want you to fill the sink, then add some soap… then you have to pick up the sponge and get it wet. Begin with the plates… wipe them off with the sponge, then scrub off any remaining spots. Rinse thoroughly, using clean water from the tap…”

This is frustrating. Don’t tell me how to do it… tell me what needs to be done. I’m a guy, and this is what we do. Give me a project, and I’ll do it. Sometimes I’ll screw it up completely, other times I’ll surprise you with my abilities, but at least I’ll give it a try. Give me directions, and I’ll throw them away and go watch the game.

Unlike other areas of life, the sexual “to do” list is a two way street, and I think this may be why the things we try often fade away. I think we often feed off of each other in this (negative) way. She doesn’t make time for these things… she allows other things to get in the way. And I just quit trying.

For example, Dee has repeatedly promised to be more diligent about posting here, but has posted only three times since the flurry of posts made after our visit to the swingers club (three months ago!). She says it’s because she can’t think of anything to say (this from a woman who tells our daughter “just write!”)… and because she has other things she needs to do. I’m (honestly!) not bitter about it, but I lack any ambition to press the issue. I spent a while waiting, hoping, looking forward to seeing something new to read, but since then I’ve stopped bugging her about it.

At the end of all things, the enterprise is always dropped. Looking back at the last “official” dare, Dee still hasn’t completed it, and I haven’t bothered to follow up on it. I tried to spice things up a little on the blog by posting questions for Dee to answer, but if you drop back far enough you’d see she waited days before answering, and the most recent questions posed were never answered at all, so I simply let the matter drop. Dee is supposed to be in charge of tracking our success/failure in following our rules, but she hasn’t done so, and I have just shrugged and let it slide.

It’s a self-fulfilling cycle. When Dee is distracted, I’m less interested in (whatever it is), and thus fail to be creative in the endeavor and keep her interested, and she, in turn, allows herself to be more and more distracted by other things. And the less responsive she is, the less interested I become.

The sexual “to do” list is a team sport, and when only one member of the team is playing, it’s nearly impossible for the other team member to remain interested. And when both teammates lose interest…