A Response in Three Parts (Part 3)

Yesterday I wrote: This difference between our viewpoints, however, clearly demonstrates the fundamental differences in our upbringing regarding sex: My dad gave me the save-it-until-marriage speech (see my TMI post of 2-10-09), her stepfather gave her a bag with 50 condoms in it (even knowing she was on the pill) and sent her off to visit me in my college dorm. There’s no doubt that this difference is the true “source of contention” Dee is referring to.

Dee told me that she felt I was bashing her past when I said this, which is not the case at all – I was using this as an illustration demonstrating the differences between our separate upbringings, and putting forth my belief that this difference is a root cause of the differences we now struggle to resolve (my reserved reticence vs. her openness to explore).

In fact, in looking back into my past, I can see that, in terms of sexuality, I would probably be a different person (more adventurous, more open, etc.) if my childhood had been somewhat different. In the house I grew up in, the topics of sex and sexuality were treated as uncomfortable subjects that were avoided at all times. With the exception of that one “birds and bees” talk, I never heard another word about it. Even concepts like attraction and physical contact were absent… my parents never kissed, hugged, held hands, or went out on dates together (in fact, they were rarely in the same room together!).

If you prescribe to the psychological theories about such things, it’s no surprise that I rolled through my teen years and into my twenties with a lot of bravado and very little actual experience, and consistently FLED the scene whenever I was confronted by potentially sexual situations. I can remember leaving parties because someone suggested strip poker. On more than one occasion I was literally inches away from penetrating a naked, willing girlfriend… and then “chickened out.” I once walked home from a friend’s house because the majority of the group wanted to hop in the pool… and since nobody had brought their swimsuits…

On television, guys are usually portrayed as willing and ready to drop everything in a heartbeat when opportunity for sex arises. I’ve never really felt that way. I used to worry that I might be suffering from low testosterone levels, and wondered if I should see a doctor. I’ve even been tempted to try those herbal supplements… the ones they tout as able to reinvigorate your interest and potency… thinking something like that might cause me to actually feel more like the stereotypical “horny.”

As I’ve expressed before (to Dee, at least, if not somewhere here in this blog), I actually wish I were more assertive, aggressive, and dominating. I would like to be more sexual. I want to be a little more like a stereotypically horny man, and a little less like the stereotypical “nice guy.” Basically, I’d love to snap my fingers and be more like Dee would like me to be, but I’ve started to believe that I might simply have to accept that this is the way I am.

I wrote: I find it illogical to blindly believe Dee will stick with me forever. I think it’s only reasonable to accept the fact that (especially given the number of discrepancies between us!) it’s possible she could wake up tomorrow and wonder how the hell she got here, and what idiot signed her up for this.

And when I wrote this, the fact that I KNOW Dee has interests and desires I might never be able to fulfill was first and foremost in my thoughts.