The Sadistic Bastard

Communication is a wonderful thing. And for sure, DH and I have been communicating. We have written rules and expectations. We have talked about our likes and dislikes, our desires, our fantasies. We've really put ourselves out there. Obviously, one of the reasons most people don't share as deeply with their significant others is the risk that their partner will judge them as being "weird" or not normal.

I can honestly say my reticence to share was less about being perceived as abnormal and more about the worry that it would come back to bite me in the ass. And sure enough, I was right. For instance, I tell the world that I would fuck a movie star in a heartbeat, and he says that he'd rather be with just me.

I can be thankful that in the big scheme of things, sharing with DH has been good and whatever ass-biting that has come of it has been minimal. But I knew that telling DH secrets such as I want to experience being with a woman, or a threesome, or go to a strip club was not without its risks.

Because I have always been the abnormal one. The one willing, and wanting, to try new things. To push the boundaries. And it has always been a source of contention.

Back when I was young, I would get irritated and impatient with DH when he would play the "I'm an innocent that you are corrupting" card, and many times it led to me straying. When he denied me what I wanted, I went out and found it anyway. And then I would feel bad. And think myself that I was abnormal. Oversexed. Seeking love in all the wrong places. Nymphomanic.

Until the night I was visiting his dorm room after recently getting back together. Back then we were forever breaking up and getting back together. I remember it distinctly. Those dorm rooms are small and there were quite a few people gathered so I was sitting on DH's lap in a chair. I could feel the stare from across the room. And all of a sudden, the girl shooting the glares asked DH if we were back together. Me, the oblivious one, giggled and said yep, and leaned back for a kiss. Never noticing the narrowing of the eyes, the flaring of the nostrils, or the guilt-ridden look on DH, I was shocked when she calmly asked if we were back together, what he was doing fucking her the night before. Never in my life have I seen a dorm room empty out so fast.

After many tears, much screaming, and several hours of that awful talking when you just say the same things over and over, it came out. He could do things to her he couldn't do to me. Wow. It was at that moment that I knew he had it in him. He could be a sadistic bastard if he wanted to be. And it was also when I realized I never wanted to be anyone's wife. Or mother. I never wanted anyone to hold me in such high regard that they wouldn't give me what I want. And I want to be bent over the hood of a car and fucked hard. I want to be forced to my knees and ordered to suck cock. I want to be smacked and choked and have my hair pulled. I am not a good little girl and I don't want to be treated like one. And I know DH has it in him to put me in my place. But I'm not sure how to unleash the sadistic bastard.