Mutual Twinges

This is kind of a ramble, and maybe a jumble of thoughts brought on by cold medicine. But here it is nonetheless.

I have been following a few sex blogs the last year or so, the majority of which are married couples who have been opening their marriages. Originally, I had tried to convince DH that finding a couple to explore with was less risky, in an emotional sense, than a single person. He did not agree and, of course, wanted a single girl to start with. This is where my twinge started. While it sounded like a lot of fun to explore, I didn't want HIM exploring anyone new.

We went to Vegas and visited a couple of strip clubs. We both had lap dances and I watched DH get a lapdance from a very buxomy stripper. Very buxomy. Almost a caricature. No twinges. He watched me get a lap dance and I don't think he had any twinges. That night I also had my first girl kiss. And while it was nice, it was nothing to write home about. No butterflies. No quickened pulse. Just lips on lips. Nothing like the reaction I get when DH even looks at me.

As I was reading about Penelope and Odysseus's adventures with Athena and Posiedon, the realization of what I was contemplating really hit me. Twinges galore. In fact, wave after wave of guilt, worry, and jealousy crashed over me. My marriage is so wonderful, so fulfilling, so sexy and hot, what is it I am needing outside of that? Is it worth the very real possibility of disrupting our careful balance? Would I be able to watch DH fuck someone else when I can't stomach the mere thought? Would I be able to watch him kiss someone else, melt at her touch, gaze into her eyes and hold her hand? He is mine! All mine! I've always been jealous, so this doesn't surprise. However, just reading about someone else's experience and vaguely thinking of my own reactions in the same situations producing such consuming jealously was quite a surprise! The couples I read about have great marriages too, so I'm sure it's just a matter of wrapping my mind, and my heart, around all the possibilities. But wow.

We were at a concert the other night with friends. Just plain friends. I looked over at FriendWife and had a momentary urge to brush her hair to the side and kiss her neck. To slide my face into her hair, smell her girl smell and feel her softness against me. I'm not even particularly attracted to this friend, but the urge was there anyway. Is this what guys are like?

I looked at DH who was being so attentive, so sweet, and so loving and felt immediate guilt. How could I be thinking these thoughts? Worse yet, how could I be seriously contemplating finding a woman who would actually welcome these gestures from me? He is definitely more attentive, more affectionate, more loving that he ever used to be. What more could I want?

Talk about twinges! This isn't to say that I'm having second thoughts, but I am beginning to think that I'm noodling too much (as he often accuses) and not jumping.