One Step at a Time

I begin by picking up where I left off in my post of 9/26/08: As always, I’m sure it will be a work in progress – and I think I’ll address that statement in a post all it’s own, later on...

When I made that statement, I was referring to my natural resistance to change direction. I’m a living example of Newton’s first law of motion (an object at rest tends to stay at rest, etc.). I am ruled by the laws of inertia. Whenever I’m working on something, I tend to keep working on it until I stop… and when I stop… I stop – as in, if it’s not done, it’s 50-50 I’ll get back to it anytime soon. When I’m not doing anything, I have a tendency not to start anything. For example, when I start working on the yard, I tend to keep working on it long after I’ve accomplished what I originally set out to do. But eventually, whether done nor not, I’ll decide that’s enough… and stop. This means that if I force myself to start moving, I accomplish a hell of a lot, but I end up having a lot of idle time, too.

This phenomenon holds true for nearly everything in my life, including my behavior. Once I’m awake, I have a hard time falling asleep. When I get home, I empty my pockets, putting my cell phone, keys, etc. all in the same place I put them yesterday. Call it habit, or routine, or just… inertia. (Dee, by contrast, has the “habit” of dropping things in random places, then later wandering around asking me where I put them). This is even true in terms of sexual behavior. If we’ve had sex the past three nights, I’ll probably want it tonight. If we haven’t had sex in three days, I won’t have any real interest tonight.

For this reason, anything different I wish to try becomes a work in progress, a new behavior I embrace and act on in fits and starts, occasional bursts of consistency separated by long stretches of failure. As mentioned (or at least hinted at) in previous posts, Dee has requested a number of things from me – more aggression, more direction, talking dirty, some spanking, etc. – but in every case, though I’ve committed myself to at least give it a try, I’ve only taken a tentative step or two on a very few occasions. Novel behavior, even acts I truly want to personify, require focused effort on my part.

Between this natural law and the inherent oddity I feel in behaving in a new and different way, even when I’ve committed myself to change, it is a long, slow, gradual process. A year from now I may find myself throwing Dee down on the bed, pinning her under me, and telling her to shut up and fuck me, or demanding a blowjob when I feel the first urges for her skills. For now, however, I’ll continue to take small steps in the directions we both want to go, and find pleasure in the slow evolution of my sexuality.