Realization

Over the past week, I’ve made a couple attempts at greater openness, dropping a hint in two emails (on two different days) to a friend, suggesting that Dee and I had had a particularly good time the night before. This doesn’t seem like much, but it’s a step forward for me, as I’ve rarely shared any such personal information with anyone in years.

I realize if I’m going to make any headway towards recapturing some of those lost facets of the person I once was (alluded to in my previous post) – which is, I think, what I want to do, and what I need to do – then I’ve got to start taking some small steps in that direction. I figured a good first step would to ease my friend back into the conversation (he’s known me since long before Dee and I got married), putting the topic slowly back on the table, developing an outside compatriot to whom I can subtly boast. And so I have begun that process (and will continue to do so… slowly).

Now, it’s all about what’s next, and I’ll have to think on that a little. I have realized that if I’m going to play a part in any of Dee’s desires for exploration, I have to begin here. I have to reacquaint myself with even the simplest of things… like noticing the attractive folks around me, and (eventually) commenting on them quietly, privately pointing them out to Dee.

I have realized I must push myself in one direction, and eventually rediscover my previous comfort with the simple act of flirtation, not just in theory, but in practice. At some point, if we are ever to turn talk into action, I’ll have to be comfortable with the idea of flirting with another woman. More importantly, if I’m unable to do so, how will Dee honestly measure her comfort level (in reality rather than by imagination) with that very thing? How will either of us determine what it is we are (and aren’t) comfortable with?